Celibacy?

 

Wolverine'd It at work.  I'm in a very good position at my job.  It feels good to be successful again.  All that I've gone through from the end of '09 to now has changed everything about me.  Losing my $100k job, losing everything I ever worked for, losing the love of my life, not seeing my son, nearly dying from cancer...it has all changed me forever. 

 

When I stop and think about another man taught my son to ride a bike...when I stop and think about I never got to see one of my son's baby teeth come out of his mouth and hide it under his pillow for the tooth fairy to find...when I stop and think about I can never take my son to kids class bjj and train with him again...when I stop and think about I will never be able to teach him to surf...when I stop and think about my son...you can only imagine my pain.

 

When I stop and think about another man is with TrueLove/NewLove/LALove...when I stop and think about how I could not protect and provide for any of them during the recession...when I stop and think about how much I wanted to give to them but couldn't...you can only imagine my pain.

 

When I stop and think about the summer of '11 when I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and had to go to Robert Wood Johnson hospital for emergency surgery...when I stop and think about that day when I couldn't even talk to my son one last time because the ex-wife had lawyers dictate I can only speak to my son every other day at 7pm EST for 30minutes...when I stop and think about that day and the only thing I had in my hands was a picture of my son to look at one last time before I went under the knife perhaps for the last moment of my life...when I stop and think about that day and True Love told me to shave my face and she would be by my side during surgery and never came...when I stop and think about that day and all that followed...you can only imagine my pain. 

 

Now I know why the doctors looked at me with such pleasure and delight when I took my close off in front of them at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital.  I attribute being able to beat cancer and surviving the Great Recession all to MMA.  If it wasn't for MMA I would be dead.  Right after my surgery I went right back to my MMA gym in Jersey with stitches in my back to get my life back to normalcy.  I refused to let cancer alter my life even though it has forever. 

 

When I stop and think about how badly I wanted a book deal and how all of this started...when I stop and think about all of my material possessions that I had and kept wanting more...when I stop and think about rings I wanted to buy and give to TrueLove/NewLove/LALove...that's when I have clarity. 

 

Material possessions don't interest me anymore.  I live in Marina del Rey.  I'm surrounded by Ferrari's, Mega Yachts, million dollar homes, the super rich...I don't care for any of it.  All I care about is hearing a good story.  What's your story?  Share with me something interesting.  That's all I care about is human experiences not material things.   

 

I've dated tons of girls and I keep going through the motions but with no feelings like I had for TrueLove/NewLove/LALove.  I know what that felt like and until I find that again...I think I'm going celibate.  There is one girl that I'm talking to now, oddly enough from Newark, NJ.  I kind of blew her off when I was going through all of my TrueLove/NewLove/LALove stuff.  She is Brasilia, which I really like.  I've been dating a lot of girls in Manhattan, Hermosa, and Venice Beach that have a certain LA/Beach girl look to them.  I just realized, besides all the Brasilia fighters at Werdum there are not many Brazilians in LA.  I googled it and FL has the most then NJ. CA doesn't even rank in the top 50.  She's coming to LA in October.  We will see what happens, whatever...actually I'll be waiting for her at the plane with flowers in my hand (you know how successful I am with sending girls I love flowers!) and a ring!  That's it!  And she will move on my sailboat and we will have lots of babies and they will all live on sailboats and we will populate LA with tons of Brazilians.  JK.  Just having some fun folks.  But seriously she's coming in October. 

 

Living on my sailboat I love it but you have to stay loose and be creative.  I lost power on my boat not sure why?  Had to get creative to restore power.  Water isn't running either and don't know why?  Living on a boat is interesting and this is in one of the best marinas in the world with every amenity at your finger tips.  I can't imagine what it must be like sailing a 30ft sailboat around the world?  So much planning and preparation has to be made before I ever attempt such a feet.  So much work would have to be done to my sailboat to make it capable of attempting it.  Every captain tells me my vessel isn't made for such a journey and that it's only made for short pleasure cruising...but there in lies the romance...the challenge...the underdog. 

 

I think that is why I love MMA so much is that no matter how many people are in the gym and around me.  At a point when I'm fighting I have to go within myself. I'm all alone and nobody can help me.  I have to dig deep inside with everything I have to keep going.  In a way when I step onto the mats at MMA I have set sail from the mainland and I'm ready to battle the storm...

     

Wolverine It

In honor of the movie coming out I'm trying to grow the Wolverine beard where you shave the front and grow the side mutt chop side burns.  I have to Wolverine It at work this week.  If I produce a certain level of revenue this week for my company, well, I'll be in a very good position.  I remember the Great American Recession, I haven't forgotten all that I've lost.  Wolverine It...

So now I'm getting snug as a bug in my boat that I own, pride is being restored back to me owning something and not renting it, succeeding at work again.  I would have to say that I'm finally finding some stability back in to my life.  Still scared getting my mail, weird stuff shows up about not mowing my lawn, whatever...

But in moving on to my new boat I found a lot of stuff that I wrote and saved from True Love.  Found this poem...
Let's pretend the fights we had and the things we said never happened...
Let's pretend that we started life together with our own house and children...
Let's pretend the connection we had shared mentally and physically never had to end...
Promise me you will close your eyes and see my face and pretend...
Can you do that for me?
I promise you I will...

Then I had a dream the other night and it was a combination of all the things I shared with True Love, New Love, and LA Love.  The main character was True Love, we had our blow out fight where she told me the best summer of her life was with other men and not with me, getting caught in a rain storm like LA Love and I shared in Chicago, and special things that New Love and I did together. 

So after my intense dream guess what I did?  Don't do what I did...just don't do it unless you enjoy self inflicting pain...apparently I do.  Yep!  I did it...I FB'd them and LA Love is on my LinkedIn account because she told me to set up my account when I first came here to LA.

Looked up New Love and she is kissing her new dude on the cover of her FB page...ouch! (just a regular looking joe.  She is exotic looking thought she would have done better?  Well regular joe is doing just fine. Ahhh!)

Looked up True Love and her and her whole family is on the cover of her FB page and all I can think about is the day I crashed my boat after the F-Cove with all them on board and realizing without my job during the recession I can't take care and provide for anyone on board including my son, Donovan, who was on board as well.  I looked at her page and I could almost see myself next to her in the picture, like a ghost.  I looked at her son and saw how big he has gotten and realized that Donovan must be so much bigger than I saw him 10 months ago (My ex wife has only sent me one picture of my son the whole time I've been in LA.  Only 1 picture of my boy!)  True Love is the one girl from the day I met her at 19 yrsld I knew she was the love of my life.  I've written 5 books all filled with the love I have and shared with her.  My book, Boston Wedding, is the death of it all...
We are a real life love story that ends in tragedy...I thought we would have married, I thought we would have had a child together.  But now I know that will never be, not being by my side when I had cancer to be with other dudes...seriously what the hay!

Looked up LA Love on LinkedIn because she's right there.  She is the one that told me to put all of my achievements on LinkedIn 10 months ago.  I never knew then how powerful LinkedIn was to become.  Looked up LA Love and her LinkedIn account didn't overly impress me, however, I did see in her interest she added in Flag Football.  That's coed Flag Football and I guarantee every dude misses her flags and grabs her...ahhh! 
When I'm all settled in and can finally clear my head of these women once and for all, I'm going to join coed volleyball.  I'll have to wear my skin suit but there are some seriously hot volleyball players out here in LA.  Coed Flag Football...blah

So LinkedIn...how powerful it has become.  I can't believe not having my account now.  The people that I'm connected to from Bloomberg from Turner Broadcasting/CNN are amazing.  These are some of the brightest people throughout the world. The president of Bloomberg, Dan, is connected to me and all thanks to Dylan and Trevor.  And everyone from Turner Broadcasting is all thanks to Alan and Michael.  So what does that mean you ask?  It means I get to see what these great minds think, are talking about, what their interest are in.  I can see the story of their life in the business world to their success.  You can see mine too and you can see me flounder during the Great American Recession...
What this also means to me is if I were to look at another job (which I'm not, super happy where I'm at, thank full to have my position!)  But if I were to look at something at Bloomberg or Turner, it shows all of my connections and I can be endorsed for positions.
I can see on LinkedIn who has viewed my profile, some can view me anonymous so I don't know who they are.  But you want to know who looked at me?  Bloomberg in Sao Paulo, Brazil.  That fascinates me.  I've heard so many good things about Rio and did you ever see the Youtube video of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Rio?  You have to watch it!  Maybe the best thing I've ever seen on Youtube.  He did that TV Show and he got to become Governor of California and I've lost jobs because of what I have done as the NA...seriously!  I look vanilla compared to Arnold in his prime.
LinkedIn is essential in the business world...

So from now on I'm not posting anything about my love life again.  Seeing New Love kissing her regular joe on FB didn't feel too good and I'm sure if any of those wonderful women ever look me up and see me doing that...probably doesn't feel good either. 
I'll just cover the fun things I do and projects I'm trying to accomplish.

Holy Cow LinkedIn...if it wasn't for LA Love doing what she did for me when I first got here I would have missed the Bloomberg Boat.  I have to send thank you's to everyone I know at Bloomberg and Turner. 

What does my future hold?  I have to wait one more month for my health benefits to kick in, that's 7 months I've been waiting!  Hope my skin can make it...
Enrolled in fall college for Spanish classes...I have to learn Spanish, a lot of people at Bloomberg speak 2+ languages.  What have I been doing not learning languages?
I have to learn what derivatives are and I have to immerse my self with financial news and data like learning another language.

And I have to learn to sail, a lot of girls ask me to take them sailing, but if I tried to do that right now we'd be lost at sea.  It does have a motor on it, I can just motor it everywhere?  Motor my sail boat around the world?  That's not very romantic...got to learn to sail.  Sail to Rio?

Lot's to do...off to MMA.  Girls in my head that just don't come out.  You don't love a girl for over 10 years and write 5 books about how much you love her and suddenly she goes away in your mind.  Wish we had started our journey of life out together.  Wish she didn't sleep with all those men for a year and a half a part, leave me high and dry to fight for my life with cancer, and then think she can just come back to me and I can pretend nothing ever happened.

When my health insurance finally kicks in I'm rushing to the doctors to get my body checked for cancer but I'm also going to find a nice therapist.  I need some couch time and cry about the women I loved and lost.  Even Tony Soprano needed a therapist...

On the Third Day He Rose...The Resurrection of Jason William Mitchiner

Where am I at today?  How much of me has changed and how much of me remains the same?

Some journey I'm on...
I did the math and I made over $100,000 a year for the past 10 years before the recession hit and that ladies and gentlemen is a million dollars.  I made a million dollars in my early 30s before the recession...that is quite an accomplishment coming from my poor white trash childhood.
Then the recession hit and I lost everything...everything that I worked so hard for and every woman that I loved with all of my heart.

Where I'm at today...well...I'm paranoid about what I put on the internet now.  I think employers should differentiate between what you put on FB, Blog, Youtube, Tumbler, Twitter, and what you have on LinkedIn.  FB I have all of my MMA Fighter Friends, LinkedIn is straight business.
But for now employers don't differentiate between the two and just look at everything and judge you.  That's just the way it is and there is no point in fighting it.  I've lost sooooooooo many HUGE jobs in Manhattan and LA because they looked me up and discovered the NA and felt it was too over the top.  So I am censored in what I can write and post on the internet. 
So what do I do?  Cry about it?  I love to poke fun at religion, partly because of my childhood, partly because my biological father was Special Forces and a Chaplain in the US Army, and I find it absurd that humans kill each other over man made beliefs over their religion. 

So Religion and my relationships I will keep in a journal and write it all out in my next book after where I left off in my last book, That's all HE wrote.

Where I'm at today...I'm in a position at my work to capitalize.  My current employer knows how aggressive I am and if you give me a decent product to sell and don't make me relocate on my own dime when I don't even have pennies, I can be quite successful.  So I am finding success again.  What does that mean to me now?  Go buy a muscle car and keep spending tons of money going out with girls I have zero feelings for?  Nope...

What I am going to do now is buy a nice, used, sail boat to live on and learn to sail.  My goal is to live as cheaply as I can and save as much money as I can.  I'm just focused on training MMA at Werdum after work and I find all these girls in LA that I keep going out with and partying kills my training and I can't afford that now at my age with my window closing to get back into the cage.  Anderson Silva is 38, Fabricio Werdum is turning 36, I'm turning 37.  I'm still in the game but for how long can I go?  If I can just get back into the cage it will mean the world to me after my set backs.  I felt invincible before I got cancer and I haven't felt the same since. 

My health benefits kick in next month and I have to get my broken left hand, middle finger x-rayed, body checked for cancer, chest x-rays, and blood work done...std test not a bad idea either.  Then I'm 100% focused on returning back in to the cage. 

I'm so focused at work to make as much money as I possibly can.  To make a million dollars again...look at my LinkedIn account...Bloomberg is staring me in the face.  Everyone knows me there.  It is a place I've been on so many interviews before and during the recession.  I'm on stimulation overload every time I walk into 731 Lexington Ave. 

My goals.
1. Become as successful at work as I can and save as much money as possible.  Can't be a pirate with out any treasure.
2. Train at Werdum as much as I possibly can and re enter the octagon after so many setbacks in my life.
3. Go to Moscow, Barcelona, Rome and train at MMA gyms in Spain and Italy.  And learn Spanish.
4. Raise $10,000 for Cancer Awareness and kayak to Catalina Island on my 10ft kayak through the middle of the night.
5. Find David Knickles, you may have seen him in my Youtube clips when I was trying to figure out how I can help the homeless.  I've been sucker kicked upside my head by zombies, spit on by homeless, cursed at...but David Knickles there were moments where we connected.  I need to find him.
6. Live on a sailboat, learn to sail, get my captains license and take people out sailing on the weekends for more money and sail to Catalina Island.
7. Get good enough at sailing and when I'm done fighting sail around the world.
8. Write a book about all of this where I left off from my other book, That's all HE wrote.

That's where I'm at today.  But everything is subject to change depending on what life/chaos happens.  Oh wait, "Everything happens for a reason!"  So if I get cancer again and die all bets are off.  Every time I get my mail there is always a surprise waiting for me, things about not mowing my lawn, IRS, and some other stuff I've got to get around to as I get back my fighting form.  So if I die or go to jail, sorry, otherwise lets get ready for some fighting, surfing, kayaking, and sailing, eh?

My son...the more I think about it, I think it might be better him being raised in Maryland over LA.  I live in LA and it's wild out here.  When I lived in Newport Beach when I was younger all of my friends that grew up there from their rich parents got into drugs and took everything for granted.  Maybe me and the ex will work out him staying with me for summers or something...things will get better for me and my son as he gets older...there is no way for the ex to keep us apart and with today's technology there is no stopping us some communicating and seeing each other. 

And the pic of me on the rings with my shirt off was just for the rings.  It pisses me off that I can never take my shirt off at the beach for the rest of my life.  When I take my shirt off girls look at me.  When my shirt is on, no looks.  Take my shirt off and get girls and die of cancer or leave my shirt on and no girls and die alone?  HAHA 

What a fucking life...