White Collar or White Trash? Find out tom 10am

Heaven and Hell...exists right here on earth.  Losing it all can be Hell.  Having it all can be Heaven.  The American Recession hit hard in '08-'09 and it took a bit of a dip in '12.  I am in exactly the same situation I was in in Nov '10 except there is no arrest warrant issued for me for not mowing my lawn and my unemployment hasn't suddenly stopped.  But if I do not pay child support there will be an arrest warrant issued.  I can only pay child support because I had my short gig with the Princeton Packet and I receive $300 a week from unemployment right now...

I use to make over $100k a year for over 10 years in advertising sales.  Now...livin on scraps

I was taking care of my ex wife and our son, providing towards a home, vacations, and a happy family life except I always wished I was providing it and living it with my ex girlfriend, my True Love.  All my ex girlfriend wants is to be loved and taken care of.  Every time she comes back to me all I want to do is be able to provide and take care of her and I'm not able to do so.  Now she has found other men that can, will, and have done that for her.

The new girl I'm seeing, her heart is coming, she sees something in me that I do not, and she wants to experience things that I have from a time forgot.

Every War Veteran returning from Afghanistan are all fighting for jobs and are having a rough go at it.  I may never make it to the War in Afghanistan because of my cancer but there is a battle going on right now.  

I have an opportunity to land a new job and work my way back up to the $100k life but I have to pass some serious tests.  One is a 16 minute math test, no multiple choice, where I have to know things like, If two men catch 40 fish and one man catches 4 times as many as the other, how many fish did he catch?  Umm...I don't know the answer to that.  The other test is a 3 hr personality test where I'll be asked things like, Do you want to be rich and famous? Umm...Fuck Yeah! Is that the answer they are looking for?  And they will ask me questions like, Would you like your picture taken with a celebrity?  Umm...No, I don't care about the celebrity, I want all pictures and attention on me.  What does that mean to the job?  Am I a bad person?  I'm hungry and ambitious is all I know...

This new job knows everything about me.  They know I was in Foster Care, they know I have 45 college credits and asked why I switched from Liberal Arts to Business in CA it was because I realized I need to make money in life.  They know my success in ad sales.  They realize that I have had to fight for everything I've ever achieved in my life and nothing has been given to me.  This company thinks I will be a perfect fit for them...but first I have to pass some tests.

If and only if I pass all these tests and nail the rest of my interviews then I get sent away for training and have to prove myself for 6months up in North Jersey.  If I land this job and whatever girl I end up with all I can promise you is that I'm going to get the biggest ring that I can afford, I know there are men that can afford bigger rings and that have bigger penises, but hopefully it will mean something.  Hopefully the ring will be big enough that if you fall off our boat you sink to the bottom of the ocean with the other buried treasure that no man can find.  And I'll put my scuba gear on and come find you and then we will swim off to our island together.

Or I fail the tests and don't land this job and get hauled away to jail for not being able to pay child support and other bills.  Will I turn to the darkness I did if that should happen like I did in Nov '10?  No...because even in jail they allow you to write and maybe I can write a letter to True Love and she will read it and think of me.   

10AM tomorrow Piscataway NJ ladies and gentlemen.  Women, children, lives all hang in the balance.

Inside the Lions Lair and Back...

Losing the $100k job-Sucked

Losing my ex girlfriend to other men-Sucked

Seeing one of the men that was fucking my ex girlfriend up the street and they smirked at each other in front of me-Sucked

Getting Cancer and not having your True Love there with you while she is out with other men-Sucked

All those things sucked big time.  Like unbelievably sucky.  The pedal stool that I had my ex girlfriend on was so unbelievably high before the 1.5 years apart.  She was my most prized possession (I know all the man haters want to say, "She's not a possession she's a person!" It's just a figure of speach settle down) that meant the world to me.  I tried to get her back with all of my might before she moved on after my melt down of Nov '10 but to no avail.  She partied and slept with the men she wanted and now she is looking to settle and she decided to come back to me.  But she came back to me and my most prized possession has returned damaged merchandise.  Time apart and with other people is never good for any relationship ever.  It can fuck everything up.   

Being back in my ex girlfriend's house, where I was trying to be for the 1.5 years apart was surreal.  It felt very much as if I was inside the Lion's Lair.  This was the place that all the men came to sweep her away while I was only a phone call away.  This was the place other men came and slept while I was at home and wept.  It was sooooo surreal.  It was unbelievable to learn it all of what she did, how she did it, and her reasoning behind it or lack there of...

This time breaking up there is not the pain that I felt like when I was trying to get her back Nov '10.  There is no pain.  No pain at all.  The damage has been done.

Everyone is telling me to take it slow with my new girl.  I am people, I'm not rushing into anything.  But it's nice dating a girl with a daughter and I talk more about my son.  It's nice dating a girl that I'm flat broke and she understands unlike the hot Russian Mob Nurse that I had to take out right after I got paid for an explosive weekend and then have to save up for another month before I could afford to take her out again. "Where'z my White Mercedes?" She'd always ask.

But the Devil is in my pants and it's not my 7.5" it's my smart phone.  Tempting me.  My ex girlfriend took my phone and cleaned house.  All pics gone, all side girl texting gone, my phone never fell so silent.  My new girl asks who I'm texting and I can feel it coming as things intensify.  My ex girlfriend is getting a biopsy done and there was a part of me that wanted to say, "Fuck you!  You no showed me on my cancer ass when I was stage 4 and last summer could have been my last summer on earth.  Serves you right Biotch!"  But no, I would never do that.  If anything ever goes wrong I'm there no matter what.  She gets the True Love tag for life.  She was the girl I saw when I was 19 at Sandy Hook NJ that had things worked out and we were 80 years old together I would have told everyone, "I knew from the moment I saw her she was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with."

I have got to get a J O B...I have so much more respect for Biggie now and slingin rock to pay his bills for his family before he made it big.  Had I done that in Nov '10 I would have had enough money to at least see my ex girlfriend and my son and pay some fines.  Oh all the Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda in life... 

Welcome to the Boiler Room

Women and Money or Broke and Jail?

I love when people say, "You'll do fine.  Don't worry about it."

If I don't do fine on the test I don't get the job.  I lost my $100k job and it has effected my entire life and everyone in it.  I am living proof of that.

Where my new girl works guess who comes in all the time to get his eye brows done?  The Situation drives up in his black Bentley with his license plate that reads "Sitch" on it.  Guess who will be driving up to my new girls work in his little Naked Author mobile visiting...HAHAHAHA.  How awesome will that be for the Naked Author to run into the Situation?!  Will I do anything or say anything?  Never...I have my son and I can not in any way afford to jeopardize anything with an ex wife and her lawyer that want to do anything they can to take him away from me.  And actually I'm at a point in my life where I don't care, I'm no a hater, but yes it would be nice to land my own book deal for my books that I actually write...

But do I get a kick out of the tweaked out Situation stairs at my new girls ass?  Yes.

Do I get a kick out of that I'm the total opposite of the Situation, well hopefully, in every way possible and I am forced to see him?  Yes.

And the meat head that lives up the street that is banging my ex girlfriend and the rich Puerto Rican man, I'm not mad at them.  I'm mad at my ex girlfriend.  My ex girlfriend is my True Love.  My books have been written about my love for her.  I'm writing a book right now called, Boston Wedding about our love together and it ends in murder.  My ex girlfriend came behind me and put her arms around me like doing a Rear Naked Choke and pulled a razor blade out and slit my throat and let me bleed out from the moment she starting sleeping with Billy and the other men over the 1.5 years apart wanting her back.  She did that knowing I wanted her.  She laid in bed with other men spreading her legs, having her orgasms, smiling, while I was crying.  All of her henfriends were cheering her on, "Forget Jay he fucked up.  Fuck that man girlfriend!"

So my new girl.  She is Italian, Brazilian, German, and Spanish.  She goes to Brazil every year to see family.  If I go to Brazil I want to show up looking like the whites cracker ever, all dressed in Banana Republic and then go to an MMA school and take my close off and all of my ink shows and start training and fighting with the Brazilians.  I've got to get my BJJ better...so hard for me to stay focused!  My new girl loves movies like, The Vow, Serendipity, and every girl loves The Note Book.  I love Benjamin Button (Awesome Writing!) and Bright Star.  My new girl hates meat heads!  She wants True Love.  I want to experience A Different Kind of Love (Never knew there was such a thing).  We both don't want to go to fast because what starts fast ends fast and we all know I want to put the NA dog tag back on and start working my little 7.5" while my dog tag bounces off their foreheads and I'm just waiting for my ex girlfriend to come back.

All I know is I'm not texting a bunch of girls on the side and seeing them while I'm with this girl.  I also know I don't want one day to go by that I don't see her...our story has begun.

I am entering this relationship with pennies.

If I land the $100k job I can provide and produce...if I don't, lives can change forever.

This is all real.  These are real hearts.  Real people's lives, children, and family. 

I have my interview this week.  No pressure...

Indifference...the Death of us All

When a relationship hits indifference it's dead.  Every girl that has ever been in my life since 21yrs old has always come into the relationship believing they can make me forget about True Love.  They believe they can rock my world and blow True Love out of the water and make her go away. I look at them and smile but I know in my heart it's not going to happen.  I had my NA dog tag that every girl tried to remove from around my neck during the 1.5 yrs apart from my ex girlfriend and I would not allow them to do it.  The only girl that can and ripped it off my neck in our violent explosion was my True Love, my ex girlfriend.  This new girl wants to experience True Love with me and she is the first girl that has ever said to me that she wants me to teach her what and how me and my ex girlfriend experienced it.  I told her I can do that and I want to experience a Different Kind of Love like my ex girlfriend has found. 

I went to a neuropsychologist during our 1.5 yrs apart and the neuropsychologist diagnosed my ex girlfriend with oportunism disorder = meaning when the opportunity is right she will present herself.  I was begging for her to come back to me during the 1.5 yrs apart and she wanted to sleep with other men and live that life.  She believed the opportunity was right this time to come back to me and I lost everything again and she stepped on an opportunistic land mine that blew up her ass.   

My new girl wants to experience True Love.  I see every guido, rich European dude, and every other dude stair at her and want to fuck her if given the opportunity just like they did with my ex girlfriend.  And my ex girlfriend gave the men she wanted the opportunity during the 1.5 yrs apart when she could have been with me.  My new girl takes sex and relationships very seriously, her 24 yrld sister is still a virgin and a lesbian. (For now...not that I'm interested or touching that just saying is all).  She has been in only a few relationships ever, one of course being the Navy man that she had her daughter Aloura with.  She wants to experience True Love.  When we go out she picks up the tab.  She knows I'm down and out.  She wants our love story to be amazing...I can give that to her. 

I need to pass a math test in 16 minutes, a personality test and a few more interviews and I can start to create a magnificent journey and life for this wonderful woman...

Or I could not land any jobs, my car blows up, I can't pay child support, I can't pay the IRS, my electricity and water is shut off and I'm hauled away to jail for 40 days and 40 nights...

My new girl looked at our palms and she read our life lines (life line is the middle line on your left hand).  She said my life line is short and I will die an early death while hers goes all the way across her hand and she will have a long life.

Will love kill me? Cancer kill me? A great white shark on my kayak? A barge out in the middle of the ocean?  Fighting?  I've never been afraid of death but when it happens I'll just be sad to leave heaven...because when you have love...True Love...it is heaven and it's right here on earth.   

Critical Situation

My ex girlfriend came back to me when I was making $100k then I lost everything and had my melt down in Nov '10.  She came back to me again and I lost my job at Gannett but it was only a $45k job and the market fizzled with the Groupon type advertising.  Both times my ex girlfriend and I fought over money.  This time we fought over money and the men that she fucked and why she did that to me over 1.5yrs apart.  When she screamed at me and texts me, "I didn't want you.  I wanted them."  I don't know how to stomach that?  The Puerto Rican man that she was seeing she sought him out for the size of his wallet and she also received the large size of his penis. 

When I date new girls, whatever you did before doesn't matter, it matters from the time that our story starts together (Unless you were a prostitute, stripper, porn star).  When my ex girlfriend ended us at 21 it was to go out and sleep with other men.  When I ended us in Nov. '10 it was never to go out with another girl, it was for me to take care of business because of the situation that I was in.  As soon as some miracles happened I tried to get her back.  I didn't kind of want her back during that 1.5yrs apart.  I tried with everything I could, flowers, limo, I was going to go on the Howard Stern Show and cry my eyes out begging for her back. 

So my ex girlfriend came back and once again I lose it all.  I wasn't making my $100k money this time at Gannett but I was making a living.  Once I lost that job times got tough again.  I took a job selling cars and then I just got a gig in Princeton Media and asked if I could write for them and do ad sales at the same time.  I was told that is a conflict of interests, newspaper writers can't be ad sales reps at the same time and they liquidated my position.  Whoops! 

So what now?  I'm very much in the same position I was in Nov. '10.  But luckily my unemployment hasn't completely stopped and the economy isn't quite as bad as '08-'09.  There still is opportunity out there...and I'm being given one.  I have to know math.  I have to take all these test and one of them is math and I suck so bad at math.  I'm good at writing and presentations but math...my computer handles that.  This job I have to learn so much stuff about math and the IRS (which I have to pay myself!).  If I keep nailing my next interviews and some how do well enough on the math test...I can be in a position again to see my name on a W-2 form with $100k next to it. 

I'm also going to Trader Joe's in Shrewsbury New Jersey, they have health benefits and I need a job.  I've got child support, lawyers, IRS, crazy bills, and my car is probably going to blow up...

Oh I am in so much the same boat as Nov. '10 but no melt down this time, Benjamin Button it man, I'll make the best out it all except if I end up working at Trader Joe's and my ex girlfriend comes in with some super rich dude and I have to bag their groceries...that would suck!

So my new girl...she wants to experience True Love...well let's start our relationship from the bottom and see if we can build it up.  We are going out this weekend and she said, "Sunday we should go to the city!"  I said, "How about we just go for a long walk?"  Walking is free and True Love can happen at any time and place. 

Please God help me pass this math test...I just want to make a lot of money again that's all.

A Different Kind of Love

When I was in my ex girlfriend's bed I asked her, did you tell any man that you loved him?  She said, "Yes, Clark (The meat head man that lives up the street from her that is juiced up and my ex girlfriend believes him that it's just 'genetics' while he juices up before fucking her...fucking joke both of them).  "I told him I loved him and we love each other.  But it's a different kind of love."  my ex girlfriend said to me while I was laying in her bed.  
So let me get this straight.  My ex girlfriend was fucking another man while she could have been with me and they both love each other?  But it's a different kind of love so it makes it all better?
I sat in her kitchen on her computer and saw pictures of the man and saw the words, "Billabong" on her computer that he fixed for her.  They met at Billabong surf shop and she was attracted to his big shoulders and...well apparently there is a lot she is attracted to or she wouldn't be fucking him for year and a half apart would she? She met him a week after I took my ex girlfriend out over Memorial Day Weekend begging for her back.  She told me she didn't want me she wanted him.  Meat head Clark...another man.
How do you stomach that? How would you stomach that?
I'll tell you, it's not a warm bowl of soup on a stormy day stomach.
It's more like swallowing a balloon full of pin needles that pops inside of your stomach.
I've only been taking classes in True Love 101 where you love some one and you stick by them no matter what sickness or health, rich or poor.
I didn't know there is Advance Love courses where you can have your True Love but fuck other people and fall in love with them and call them a Different Kind of Love.
This girl that I'm seeing now she did her research on me.  She wants to experience the True Love that I experienced with my ex girlfriend...
Aww True Love that I experienced with my ex girlfriend...hmm...let's see...when we had it and were in it it was Heaven on earth.  It was unreal in every way.  How am I going to experience that again with another girl?  You can't...but then there is "A Different Kind of Love."  As my ex girlfriend told me.  What made me and my ex girlfriend so explosive I wondered as I was telling this new girl...I think it comes down to control.  My ex girlfriend is a very controlling person and so am I and we would fight over who controls the relationship and our lives constantly.  And you know what ladies and gentlemen, you want that in a relationship.  I was married before and there was no battle over anything, just indifference.  All the girls I've dated and in my life all I have for them is indifference.  But when True Love is on the table the fight is on to control the relationship sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and in every way.  You want that in a relationship and you never want it to go away.  You never want to be in a relationship that is indifferent.
So with this new girl that wants to experience True Love with me...I don't know if I can promise you that but I can promise you I am looking for a Different Kind of Love that my ex girlfriend has experienced.  I didn't know my heart I'm suppose to make room for another but I will try my best. 
You want to know the biggest kicker of the new girl I'm seeing?  You ready?  She has a kid.  A seven year old daughter, Allora.  She had her with a Navy man, haha!  She told me to not join the Navy that I will get sent off to a ship for year and they are just telling me I'll be able to fight in Afghanistan to get me to join.  She said I'm too big of a personality for the military.  But if Elvis, Hemingway, Edgar Allen Poe can do it so can the Naked Author right? So back to her having a kid...when I went to go on the Bachelorette I was going to meet Emily Maynard and she has a kid.  When I broke up with my ex girlfriend I refused to date any girls with kids because I did that with my ex girlfriend and it was a disaster.  But now I figured if I was dating my ex girlfriend with a kid and I wanted a voice in our own family dynamic why not try that now with someone else?  The man my ex girlfriend Clark was fucking and fell in love with also has a kid.  So let me see how I do in my own family dynamic.  If you have one kid and one kid only.  I will date you now.  Figure if you have one kid then maybe I don't ever have to get wrapped up with having another one right?  All the young girls I was dating all want kids with me and that pressure is a whole other issue for me. 
So here we go ladies and gentlemen.  She wants to experience True Love and I want to experience a Different Kind of Love.  When she was coming back from the bathroom in Red Bank, NJ I watched all the dudes around me with bigger wallets and maybe bigger penises and they all were staring at this young hot girl and all want to fuck her but her smile and all of her attention is just on me and just me.  Why?
A Different Kind of Love...

Let's Pretend

Let's Pretend...
Can you do this for me?
With every man that you see
With every cute old couple that you come across
With every family that has kids
With every wedding that you attend
Can you close your eyes and just see my face again?
"God" had other plans None that I will understand
But if you can just close your eyes and see my face
I will too at the right time and place
So much of our lives has been spent apart
As we keep each other in our heart
Remember me as your lover and your friend
Let's pretend the fights we had and the things we said never happened
Let's pretend that we started life together with our own house and children
Let's pretend the connection we had shared mentally and physically never had to end
Promise me you will close your eyes and see my face and pretend...
Can you do that for me?
I promise you I will...

I fell in love with her at 19 years old and none of it was pretend... She left me at 21 to go out with other dudes and the bars. I ran from my house in Red Bank NJ to Sandy Hook freezing my nuts off in sweats in February calling her from every pay phone (before cell phones)begging for her back... What am I suppose to do now? Last time she left me I went on a terrible tear when I got the limo for her and she no showed my ass. I don't want to do that to girls again. Girls told me they loved me even with my little 7.5" penis and I destroyed some girls. Some girls I was their second guy and... What do I do now? No girl can ever read this...this is all top secret... I fell in love with a girl, I wanted to shower her with money and take care of her and our family. Shit didn't work out and other men stepped into the picture...sucks homie. My ex girlfriend would call me cheap when we fought over money as times are tough. Just ask my ex wife how cheap I was with money. When I had it, I cared nothing of it, she went shopping all the time and I took the family on vacations to the Turks and Caicos and the Caribbean.  It's all on Youtube.  My ex wife still gets my money dammit!
I love how my ex girlfriend's henfriends all scrutinize everything about me.  I'm no Jesus Christ I am not perfect.  I am flawed.  I will make mistakes.  Look at your husband or boyfriend that you are cheating on, is he perfect?  I'm not Tim Tebow or will ever become him.  Whatever girl I end up with...all I want to do is make money and shower you in it. Just pretend you love me and my little 7.5" penis ok?

Cancer Killing Me

Cancer supersedes everything.  Every fight you've ever had with someone, everything period.  I had cancer and the two people I wanted to see before I went on the cancer chopping block at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital was my son and my ex girlfriend.  I wanted to see them both one last time or at least talk to them both on the phone.  I wasn't able to see or speak to either.  I'm only allowed to talk to my son every other day at 7pm on the phone because of my ex wife's lawyer and the day of my cancer cutting wasn't my allowed day to speak to him on the phone.  Why my ex girlfriend didn't show up or call...only she can answer that. 
But that being said right before we broke up she had to go to the hospital for some exams and well now she has to have surgery done and a biopsy.  My cancer was hereditary.  My biological father had the same type of cancer on his back and it almost killed his ass.  My ex girlfriend also has cancer in her family.  I don't care about me.  You can chop my back open, take my lymph nodes, I don't care.  But the thought of them cutting her and what the possibilities could be...I don't want her to go through anything like I did.  The look on the doctors faces when they were getting ready to put me on the chopping block I will never forget.  I felt like I was going in front of a firing squad.  The doctors had zero reassurance in their eyes just dread...
I don't care about the men she slept with when she could have been with me.  I don't care about the men she will be sleeping with.  I don't care about the man she will end up with.  All I care about is her health and being here longer on earth then me.  Not being able to give her an orgasm again...well that one still stings but that is between just us, don't tell anyone about that one.
As long as I'm on earth and I know she is alive and healthy makes me being here bearable.  If she is ever totally taken away from me I'm going too.  I fell in love with her when I was 19 and I'm not waking up one day and it's going away, not at 21, 31, or 81.
All I care about is finding out the results of her biopsy.  Everything else fuck it. 
I can write books filled with my love for her if I think she still might read it.  I can go fight in Afghanistan if I think she still might be thinking of me and hopefully will write me.  I can chase the dragon in my attempt to conquer the literary world as long as she is around to watch me try. 

When I was making a lot of money in ad sales I jumped in my brand new mustang and drove to her parent's house to sweep her away.  In a perfect World I will make a lot of money again and we will both have our health and if there is anyone I want to spend the rest of my days with it has been and always will be her.
And Robin Gibb just died from cancer from the Bee Gees.  What's up with cancer, once you have cancer are you a survivor or just waiting for it to come back?  Cancer is so fucked up...

Everything Happens for a Reason - No - Shit happens Deal with It

'Everything happens for a Reason'  When every girl says that to me I want to stick my finger down my throat and vomit on them.  No ladies and gentlemen shit happens in life and you make the best of it. 
The two things that me and my ex girlfriend always fought about was her fucking other men and money.  When I had my $100,000+ sales job and she was only fucking me, guess what we fought about?  Nothing...
My ex girlfriend said, "You are angry and bitter." when we just broke up.
Am I happy that when I met her at the Grove in March '11 she lied to my face that she hadn't moved on with another man when she already did since November '10 after I had my melt down and she was stroking Billy's thick dick in her hand in her bed? No.
Am I happy during November '10 when I had my melt down and my unemployment stopped, I had arrest warrants for not mowing my lawn and EZ Pass violations, having no voice in my ex girlfriend's family dynamic of her, her son, and ex husband?  No
Am I happy when my ex girlfriend and her fuck buddy up the street, Clark, saw each other as he went by on his scooter and they smirked at each other and the electricity in the car jolted me in the car seat?  No
Am I happy when I had cancer and she told me to shave my face and that we were getting back together and I did and then at the last minute she decided to stay with Clark and I had to face the chopping block at Robert Wood Johnson's cancer ward alone? No
Am I happy when she tells me last summer was, "The best summer of my life." When I wanted her back and she is going to Leggits Bar in Pt. Pleasant as a Charlie's Angel with her single slut friends and is a bar whore just like she was when she left me when she was 21 yrs old now at 36? No
Yes I hit her arm over a fight about money and men she has been dating and then she beat the shit out of me.  No money and men she has been dating...none of that ever makes me happy...it all sucks.  Everything happens for a reason.  No. Shit-Things-Events-Chaos happens in life and you make the best choices you can out of them.  Choices were made during our 1.5yrs apart and all of them that were made by my ex girlfriend to stay apart...sucked.  I can't control any of it.  I can't control Clark coming down the street on his scooter and going balls deep in my ex girlfriend.  I can't control her dating her rich Puerto Rican man that her and her family loved and all the other men.  I can't control getting cancer.  I can't control most things in life.  I just have to make the best choices out of all of this.  Was hitting my ex girlfriend in the arm a good choice? No Was I mad? Yes.  Was my melt down a good choice in November '10? No What else was I suppose to do?  I didn't ever leave her for another girl it was this stupid American Recession that hit and hit so fucking hard...

So what now throw in the towel?  Well I make my living from ad sales through media groups.  Not through my writing.  My ex wife will always keep tabs of where I'm working and how much I make with her lawyers.  Once you have a kid with a woman she can always stay financially connected to you.  Everyone in the media world knows each other from Advance Internet, Gannett, Bloomberg, Time Warner, etc.  I got my foot in the door by Robert Collins the publisher of the Asbury Park Press and other Gannett newspapers.  I loved the guy, a bad ass, self made man.  He started delivering newspapers as a boy and made it to the top.  Exactly my ambition...

So now I work in Princeton NJ in ad sales.  I may be given the opportunity to start writing in our newspapers and online.  If this all works out and I start becoming published with my writing...well you know about me and my ego.  I know it's just a small gig but listen am I happy that Snooki and Kim Kardashian got the $5million book deal and I have not? No

I'm trying to iron everything out and where I'm going from here...well I guess I'm ambitious?  Not successful but ambitious and at least that's something right?  Something is better then nothing? 
I'm also trying to join the US Navy Reserves but I have this whole cancer issue I have to get cleared.  In three months my medical benefits kick in and I'm going to try to beg everyone at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital to write me up a 100% cancer clear report that will meet the US Navy's satisfaction. 
My ex girlfriend use to say "I don't know about you.  There is still a wild card in you."  That's what I don't get about her.  There are a million men in Afghanistan in the military and most have girlfriends and wives and they stay by their side.  No matter what they are always by their side.  If I got the opportunity to go to Afghanistan and I was still with my ex girlfriend I'd be sweating bullets and not because the Taliban was shooting at me.  I'd be sweating bullets that Clark, the meat head Billabong dude was balls deep banging my ex girlfriend. 

I went to AA before when I had cancer because I was abusing alcohol and I thought my ex girlfriend was going to be by my side then as we were talking but she decided to be with Clark and date other men so I left AA and went rigth to Martell's Tike Bar and dated other chics.  I went to AA again after our big physical fight and I was listening to all of the these men and women that have husbands, wives, girlfriends, and boyfriends in their lives and I got so angry.  Why wasn't my ex girlfriend by my side before when I was doing AA before?  Why wasn't she by my side when I was going through cancer?  Why didn't she stay by my side when we were 21 and we would have gotten married and had our children together?  Why is she always leaving me?  Why won't she stay by my side?  All I keep asking myself is Why?

See this is the thing about love is that when the going gets tough you are not suppose to get going.  When I told my ex girlfriend I was trying to join the US Navy she would talk to all of her henfriends and she would come back with, "What's next Jay are you going to join the circus?"  That's the thing, even if I was to join the circus you aren't suppose to leave me ever.  You aren't suppose to leave me if I have cancer, if I'm rich or poor, if I go off to fight a war, or I'm standing outside of Random House in NYC freezing my little penis off.  I can't understand all the times we've been talking and she could have came back to me and she decided to be with other men.  She had the Puerto Rican man with the huge wallet and huge penis, hay it was a 'Win Win' for her.  Why be with the broke, loser, author dude, with the little penis?  I would never leave my ex girlfriend, not when I'm 21 or now.  I won't do it, I won't cheat on her, I won't leave her.  Only death can separate me from her and she knows it.

I want to take a pole with every man in the World.  Everyone is into 50 shades of grey and finally into fisting and all that.  But here's something new for you to chew on.  Imagine you had sex with your girlfriend or wife and it was amazing and you gave her orgasms all the time.  Then imagine one day you no longer give her any orgasms while you know other men have while you were not in the picture.  How would that go over with you?  How would you stomach that?  You think that would affect you?

Heaven and Hell exists right here right now on earth...just ask Her

I love her more then any other woman I ever have or ever will.  I hate her more then any other woman I ever have or ever will.  Do not leave us alone in a room together ever...we could end up naked lapping up each other's juices or in a bloody pile of mess.
We both wanted to end up together when we were 21 and we cursed the World and each other for what has happened to us.  We both wanted to end up together when we were 31 and we cursed the World and each other for what has happened to us.  We both wanted to end up together when we were 36 and we cursed the World and each other for what has happened to us...

I love her 10 fold and the pain is 10 fold as well.  It's not just sexual it all goes together, it's her mind, her emotions, her spirit, her soul.  It all ties in together and then everything we do together becomes sexual and explosive.  We are a modern day, Bonnie and Clyde.  When I lost my $100,000+ sales job I told her we should rob a bank and she always said she would do it with me and she's not kidding.  When we were 19yrs old she told me she would die for me and I couldn't believe she really meant what she was saying but it was the truth. 

We cant seem to end up together for various reasons...
She didn't want to sleep with the Puerto Rican man with the big wallet and the big cock...
She didn't want to sleep with the Meat Head scooter dude up the block...
She didn't want to marry her ex husband and...
but she did and it happened.
I didn't want to sleep with any other chic then her since I was 19yrs old but I have...
I didn't want to marry my ex wife and...
but I did and it happened.

When I die I am going to be waiting for her.

But on a side note her and her ex husband are super creepy close.  I felt like I had no voice the last time we were together, now it's even worse.  They talk about sleeping with other people together.  She is still jealous of every girl her ex husband is with and has around her son.  They go out to dinner and spend weekends and holidays together.  They are uncomfortably close together...they are a serious dynamic together still of her, her son, and ex husband.  That's what I don't get is that her ex husband use to beat the shit out of her all the time but she is still best friends with him and will be for life.  If her ex husband had cancer you better believe she would have been there by his side (We were in bed together and she was feeling the big scar on my back and I kept thinking about this).  Her ex husband's sister was going through medical shit and my ex girlfriend was definitely concerned and in the mix.  I was the bystander before and I can only imagine what any new man must feel going into that...I so want to be a fly on the wall when that day happens.  All the dudes my ex gf was banging she never brought them into her family dynamic yet...that's where things will get sporty...haha not my problem any more. 

Good luck baby.  God Speed. (her and her henfriends hate that...but fuck them they all told her to drop me and go after fresh dude dick when I had my melt down like they are probably doing right now and her henfriends are middle age women that most have cheated on their husbands, done serious drugs, still think they are Charlie's Angels as they have become serious single sluts, fucking retarded hens).  I know all the hens want to point out, "Hey Jason you are just a single slut."  Wrong the only girl I've ever wanted to be with was my ex girlfriend.  When we had our huge fight she kept showing me all these pics of rich dudes she dated that took her to Giants games and in box seats and she told me last summer was the "Best summer of my life."  That's without my ass.  WTF?  Who is she?  Every time I slept with my ex girlfriend and she never had an orgasm I asked her, "Who are you?  What's going on with you?"  She said, "You made me this way."  She's right.  I fucked up and had my melt down November 2010 and now everything has changed forever...
She left me at 21 yrs old and we ended up married to different people and having kids with them.  I for see the same thing happening now. 
She wants to settle down now as she approaches her 40s.  Whatever man treats her right will win her and having a big wallet and big penis will help as well...
Are there any young Asian women that want to date a broke author artist with a little 7.5" penis?

A Poem

A month and a half together

A year and a half apart

You say to look at us now as if we just started dating

But then we talk about having our baby as we are mating

So much of us has changed in our time apart

So much pain rips through my heart

I can tell you when I'm dating there is never this kind of emotion

It's not all the Xrated pics you will send me in your sexual devotion

What I long to see most is a pic you will send

Of my shirt on your face allowing you to breathe again

Once we reach that vital part

We will both know there will never be another year and a half apart

A month and a half together a mist the foul weather

A month and a half together and it couldn't be better

My best friend and lover

I do discover

That I too need you

and your shirt on my face

As you allow me to breathe again

Am I happy that the Puerto Rican man with the huge wallet and huge penis pounded out my ex girlfriend? No

Am I happy that she fell in the arms of her Fuck Buddy up the street on his scooter?  No

Am I happy with every man that touches my ex girlfriend's lips and she spends her time with? No

Am I happy that I made the greatest mistake of my life when I had my melt down and how I've treated her? No

Just want to go to Afghanistan...Please US Navy let me fight the Taliban.

Fucked For Life

This is the love of my life.  The girl I fell in love with when I was 19yrs old.  We got divorced for each other and were having the best life together until the American Recession hit in '09.  I lost everything and had a melt down in the process that I was going to end myself and lashed out at everyone.  It's all in my book, That's all HE wrote.  I made the greatest mistake of my life and I've paid the ultimate price.  This girl above, the love of my life, took all of her hen girlfriends advice and moved on with other men that were stacked deep ready to go deep inside of her. 
I tried to get her back before she moved on and she lied to me while I cried to her while she had other men's big fat cocks inside of her in her bed.
Pit Bull the singer that my ex girlfriend loves has a line, "You slip up and I'm gonna fall on top of your girl."  That's exactly what happened.  I slipped up and she slept with meat heads and a super rich Puerto Rican dude with a huge Puerto Rican cock that went deep inside of her for more then 40 days and 40 nights. 
My ex girlfriend's friend, her hen friends and family all embraced the super rich Puerto Rican dude, the meat head dude, and they will embrace others.  My ex girlfriend got wet, had orgasms, got pounded out by other dudes. 
Everyone tells me that I have to get over it.  Everyone tells me how immature I am.  Is everyone fucking retarded?  This isn't just some random girl, this is the love of my life since I was 19 that has inspired all of my love stories in every book I have ever written and probably will ever write.  Young girls tell me how old my ex girlfriend is and that she has cellulite.  That's because they all want me to fuck them.  All my guy friends say stuff like, "She's hot to you but not to me." or "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."  But lets not kid ourselves dudes, you would all fuck her if you had the chance and men already have had the chance and they fucked the shit out of her.
My ex girlfriend came back to me like I knew she would. I expected her to be by my side when I was battling cancer and I was surprised that she stayed with her meat head man and others and blew me off at the last second but eventually she did make her way back to me.  None of this went over well with me.  Her choosing to get fucked by other men instead of coming back to me sooner.  We had a huge blow out fight that became physical.  I did something I never knew I would ever do and I hit her in the arm.  I love my ex girlfriend more then any other woman ever and at the same time I hate her more then any other woman as well for what she has done to me.  When I hit her arm she went off and beat the fuck out of me.  No joke, I didn't do anything, I just let her go, I know MMA and I didn't do anything but take a beating from her.  I use to have the NA chain around my neck that read on the back, "How'd that work out for you?- True Love."  Every girl I've ever dated told me that the chain is an anchor to my ex girlfriend and I can't truly move on until I remove it.  Well my ex girlfriend ripped it from my neck.  She has removed my anchor to her from my neck.  My ex girlfriend was beaten by an ex boyfriend and her ex husband.  Not hit in the arm like I did but beaten bad and she told me our physical fight will get worse as her past dictates.  My ex girlfriend lied to my face that she had not moved on with another man while she had another man's fat cock in her hand in her bed.  Once she has lied to me about cheating she will continue to do so as my past dictates.  I love my ex girlfriend more then I have ever loved another woman, actually she is the only woman I have ever loved.  But I hate her just as much, when I look at her in her eyes I see her with the other men's cocks in her mouth that she choose over me for the 1.5yrs apart.  I know when she looks at me she has the same feelings of absolute love for me and hate for ending us in Nov '10 when I had my melt down and how I did it and treated her.  There in lies the "Catch 22" do you move on knowing you will never feel or experience the love you felt with this one person or do you do couples therapy and get this all on the table and let the healing begin?  I begged her to go to couples therapy with me about these issues before she ended us and moved on.  But she has no problems contacting her fuck buddy up the street and well...get back to fucking how she likes it, wants it, and gets it. 

I guess now that the anchor has been removed I can finally truly move on?  I don't know...I feel so fucked up knowing that my ex girlfriend can delete me and fuck other men that she gets wet for and has orgasms with.  Any other girl on planet earth I don't care anything about this but with her I do and it hurts so deeply.  She got fucked by dudes with huge wallets and huge cocks that she seek ed out and found instead of coming back to me.  How am I suppose to deal with that? 

I have to come to terms with my little 7.5" long 1.5" wide white dude penis and make my way through life.  Everyone loves 50 shades of grey, I have a book for you that I'm writing.  It's all filled with the love I felt for my ex girlfriend and sex and ends in murder.  I would never take it to that level with my ex girlfriend but I understand the feelings and emotions involved when you love someone that deeply.  My ex girlfriend has already killed me every time she got wet for another man inside of her and produced that white film for him while she had her orgasms and screamed for him stroking his ego about how big his dick is inside of her...

Please US Navy send me to Afghanistan and let me fight the Taliban.  Seriously those fuckers are blowing up Americans believing in their Bull Shit Religion that they are getting 72 Virgins in the after life?  What the fuck is up with Retards and Religion?  It's 2012 all religion is man made bullshit for Sex, Money, and Power.  There is no after life.  Heaven and Hell exists right here on planet earth while you are living.  You create your own heaven and hell.  When I was with my ex girlfriend and I was making over $100,000 I was in heaven.  Now my ex girlfriend is getting pounded out by other men with huge dicks, getting wet for them, and I'm in hell. 

Please US Navy let me go to Afghanistan and fight the Taliban.  Seriously is a Taliban bullet or bomb going to care that I had cancer when it kills me?  What the fuck?  Put me in the front lines.  I'm in shape and ready to go.  Love killed me now lets see if War will do the same...at least I'll have something new to write about.  Taliban believes the White Man is the devil eh?  Well I'm your 7.5" White Penis Devil.  I'm your Banana Republic wearing, historical fiction author, white penis devil.  Please send me to Afghanistan US Navy...please I'll be a good soldier and I won't say anything about religion and politics I swear. Just don't make me wear the silly sailor suit or put me on a ship in the middle of the ocean with dudes with bigger dicks that have pounded out my ex girlfriend.

Don't be the Gimp

I swore to the World I'd never go back to her and we all know what I did.  One of her hen girl friends told her that I had a serious girl friend now (which I did) and I probably wouldn't leave her to go back to my old ex girlfriend.   But I did and I always would and my ex girlfriend knows it.  I'm her gimp.  I would leave girlfriends, wives, and farm animals at the snap of her fingers any time she liked. 
I fucked up in Nov '10 when the American Recession hit and I was facing the worst times of my life and had a melt down.  I lost my ex girlfriend at the time and she moved on for over a year and a half apart.  When she came back to me I kept asking her how she did it?  How'd she move on with other men and not want to come back to me?  She said, "It was easy.  You weren't even a thought in my mind."  The whole time we were apart she was always in my mind and always the woman I wanted to be with.  No lie, every girl I've ever had sex with since I was 19 I always wished it was her.  There were nights I would bang a girl in my house and then kick her out and go up stairs and cry myself to sleep that I wasn't sharing that with my ex girlfriend.  No joke.  True story.  Fucking sad. 
My ex girlfriend on the other hand moved on with men and had serious relationships that some went to thoughts, emotions and words of love together.  I have never been able to do that.  Girls have told me they love me all the time in writing and in the spoken word but I've never told them that lie. 
I'm gearing up for another single season on the Jersey Shore and getting ready to have my smart phone blow up with chics and make it a party every where I go.  I realize I make dating fun for my ex girlfriend.  I am her gimp.  I'm her Ace in her back pocket.  She can get into serious relationships with other men just as she has already done and when she gets tired of it or misses me, she has her gimp to call.  I've been this way for her since I was 19 and she knows I'm not likely to change.

So...now I know how she did it.  How she was able to move on with other men and I was not even a thought in her mind.  How she is able to delete me in every way with pictures of me from her computer, camera, house, and mind.  Just like she does with any other man she is dating and done with.  There is nothing special about me to her other then being the gimp.  She told me she hates everything about me, my writing, books, my hands, having sex with me, going shopping together.  She doesn't say that or feel that way with her other men.  And yet I keep trying to figure out how I can get her back to me and like me...the constant gimp...

Ladies and gentlemen may I be a warning to all.  Spread my story far and wide.  Do not become a self published author and do not become the gimp.  Get a book deal first and have some one else write it for you.  Get the money and just bang.  Don't fall in love with writing or a woman...

So this single summer season is coming.  How should I do it again?  Just party my ass off and get thrown out of places and burn my house down again?  Haha.  No, I've changed my lifestyle a bit and the next relationships I'm going to try and follow the path that my ex girlfriend can take.  I will go into serious relationships and when the girls tell me, "I love you."  I'll tell them, "I...I...I..I love your shoes."  Good right?  That will probably make girls happier then telling them I love them.  God chics love shoes!

God please restore my Ego

My Ego has taken a beating.  I tried to get a Book Deal for my self published books and haven't while the Kim Kardashians and Snookis of the world have.  I've fought MMA and haven't gotten my victories win in the cage.  I made well over six figures and lost it all when the great American recession hit.  My ex girl friend "My True Love" happily got fucked by other dudes with huge dicks and will continues to do so.

Where do I go from here you ask?  I'll tell you.  Let me preface with writing my blog now knowing my ex girlfriend reads it and gets banged by other dudes and is content with no need for me in the flesh and blood annoys me.  Knowing my ex wife scrutinizes my blog with her lawyer looking for anyway to hinder my relationship with my son and continue coming after me financially annoys me.

But whatever I will paddle on.  So much keeps happening in the world today that effects me. 

1. A duck boat got ran over by a barge killing a bunch of people, http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/duck-boat-disaster-barge-runs-tour-boat-16258988. It gives you an idea of what I will look like if I get run over crossing the Ambrose Channel from Brooklyn NY to Sandy Hook NJ.  I have to contact Ray Fusco and others and make sure I do this safely.  It will be a cool thing for me to accomplish after beating cancer but a stupid way for me to die if things go wrong.

2.  A Marine was discharged for posting an anti Obama statement on Facebook, http://slatest.slate.com/posts/2012/04/25/marine_discharged_after_anti_obama_comments.html.  If I'm given the opportunity to serve in the military you better believe I have my views on politics and religion.  Both that can get you in trouble in the military.  Keeping my mouth shut and my ego in check is tough for me.

3. The War in Afghanistan and the Middle East.  It's ragging and I want to be involved.  Love and War are the only two things worth writing about.  I've been neck deep in love since I turned 19 and met a girl at Sandy Hook NJ.  Love didn't work out too well for me but it has inspired all of my writing.  Maybe War will be better for me and I'm sure it will inspire a lot more quality writing. 

4. Joining the Navy.  I've been declined for now because I had cancer and the severity of it.  The Navy has given me hope that if I get a clean bill of health from Robert Wood Johnson Hospital after this summer they will re evaluate me.  I have until I'm 39yrs old to join the Reserves and then I want to volunteer for IA- Individual Augmentee and fight in the Middle East.   

5. College.  I've gathered all my transcripts from college I've attended because when I join the Navy you get a higher rank based on how many credits you have and work experience.  I have 45 credits and need 15 more for my Associates Degree.  So I'll take some more writing classes and a dance class and get that.  I took some writing classes already and got honors in all those classes.  Shouldn't I be able to just show up with my books and get an A?  Whatever, I'll have fun with it. 

My ego has been beaten down and now it's time to build it back up.  So much of my time and life is spent wanting the big book deal from a Random House, I want the Big Boat that cruises in front of my kayak on the jerseyshore, I want the bigger cock that makes my ex girlfriend wet and she moans and groans for.  But alas I need to embrace myself and what I have and can accomplish.

I may never get the Random House book deal but I will continue writing, blogs, books, poems, etc.

I may never get the Big Boat but I will embrace my kayak and whatever boats I can get myself back into in the future.

Oh and the big cock, haha, funny thing is I could get the big book deal from a Random House.  I could end up in the Big Boat cruising the jerseyshore.  But the huge dick.  I have to embrace what I've got or at least find a girl that will embrace it that gets wet for me and I can make moan and groan with it.  Nothing I can do about that.  Like I've stated before, just date young Asian women and I'll be fine.  Every girl I date from now on I'm going to start the date, "Hi my name is Jason.  I have a 7.5" penis.  I want to say 8" but I can't.  Let me know if that works for you?  There is no monster in my pants waiting to surprise you."

I'm going to embrace me, just a white dude with a 7.5" cock, a writer, an author, an MMA fighter, a surfer, a scuba diver, a kayaker, an ad sales rep, a Banana Republic wearer, just trying to get in the Navy Reserves and get out to the Middle East to experience War to write about. 

Good?   

Beep...Beep...Beep...U Still Alive?

God: "You Still Alive my Son?"
Me: "Barely God. Where the fuck were you with all of your serenity, spirit and healing?"
God: "I am always all around you and I'm there for you."
Me: "WTF God?  You seem like the dude that was pounding my ex-girlfriend for the past year and a half that is always around the corner smiling at her in front of me and waiting to pound her out again."
God: "Yeah I saw that...that sucked."
Me: "Yeah it sucks and all of her friends suck that encouraged her to go find new dick to sit on.  Bunch of fucking hens that don't know the first thing about True Love."
God: "True Love is not ever wanting to fuck another man no matter how bad things get.  True Love is always being by your side when the chips are down physically, emotionally, and financially."
Me: "I know this God.  It feels so shitty when you are fucking your True Love and all you hear is the 'Silence of the Lambs' while not a single moan comes from her mouth any more like she use to make with you and does now with other men."
God: "I know my son...sucks."

This shit hurt more then cancer.  It went straight to my vital organ and stopped my heart.  I got to meet one of dudes that was pounding my ex girlfriend for a year and a half and that she told the dude she loved him.  Seeing them both smile and flirt with one another in front of me was one of the sickest moments of my life.  The only thing worse would have been having to watch them both fuck in front of me.  But while the dude was on his scooter and smiling I know what he was thinking, "I was just balls deep with 'Your Girl' dude! HAHA BITCH!"  That's totally what the dude was thinking.  He lives right up the street from my ex girlfriend.  They are fuck buddies.  It's what she wants, what she likes, and what she gets.  I fucked up last November when the American Recession hit and had a melt down.  I hurt my ex girlfriend in terrible ways with what I wrote about on my blog and book and attacked her but I tried to get her back before she moved on but to no avail.  Knowing she lied to me about moving on while dudes laid with her naked in her bed fucks with my head so bad when I was lying in her bed and thinking about how dudes were just lying where I am now while she was reading texts from me as I was crying for her to come back to me. 

"My Girl" got pounded out by dudes with huge dicks.  When I was fucking her not a sound was made other then her saying, "hurry up" and "don't cum inside of me" and of course, "I'm not swallowing you!"  Oh I'm quite sure the other dudes got to hear a lot more from her then that...
I need to look at myself in the mirror every day and say to myself, "My girl is not 'My Girl' anymore."  Every dude's dick that is inside of her while she is moaning and groaning with you, she has become connected to you mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Every dude that is fucking "My Girl" she has now become "Your Girl".  I don't have "A Girl." 

And all of her friends that encouraged her to move on and fuck other dudes...fuck you all.  And all of my friends that tell me to just get over it.  What planet is everyone on?  I'm talking about love!  Not casual fucking.  This is the love of my life that got pounded out by other dudes with huge cocks for over a year and a half.  She could have came back to me at any time and chose to get pounded out for a nice long while before trying to "settle down" with me again.  Fuck that bullshit!  That's not True Love.  Our relationship basically became like a long distance relationship except in a long distance relationship you aren't suppose to fuck other people while your loved one is away.  We of course have been fucking other people for a year and a half apart and now...well everything is nice and fucked up.

But why is everything fucked up now?  I guess you can always point the finger back at me and when I had my melt down.  It's all captured in my book, That's all HE wrote, on Amazon.  I'm working on another book that is of course inspired by my love for my ex girlfriend.  But the two years I spent with her when most things were going right for us, those will always be the greatest moments in my life.

Now...I don't know?  I guess only date young Asian women until my ego gets restored?  This sucks...