Will You Get On The Bus With Us? #Lakers #KobeBryant

(Sent to Staples Center)  Hello,

My name is Jason Mitchiner and I live near Venice Beach where I interact with many homeless in the area.  I would like to start a program through the Staples Center that I come with a group of homeless people that would like to work at the Staples Center.  Many suffer from mental illness and collect disability through the state and are comfortable in "the system".  I would like to break this system but I need the Staples Center's help.  I can't do this alone.  I will bring the homeless to the Staples Center.  Will the Staples Center let us work for you through a program?  Many homeless people in Los Angeles love the Lakers and it would be their dream come true to be able to work in the same arena as so many great athletes have played in.

I am also a cancer survivor, I had stage 4 Malignant Melanoma Cancer that I beat on 8/25/11 and this would be my dream come true to be able to coordinate this with your help.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jason William Mitchiner

Isn't cancer suppose to give you special powers?  If you are Stage 1 cancer you get 25% special powers, Stage 2 cancer you get 50% powers, Stage 3 cancer you get 75% powers, and Stage 4 you get maximum 100% powers.  Isn't that how cancer works?
I went from maximum 100% powers at Stage 4 cancer down to 50% Stage 2 cancer.  But let's see what I can do with my powers. 

Everyone loves the Lakers here, I mean everyone, including the homeless.  Kobe Bryant is a big time supporter of the homeless.  I need his help.  I need powerful people's help.  I will hit the streets and round up all the homeless that want to work with me at the Staples Center but I need powerful people's help to make a program happen. 

I contacted Ray Fusco about raising money for cancer research for my kayaking voyage to Catalina Island through the night and he is going to help me.  I will raise money for cancer research now. 

Father Baba Booey thinks I will never be given a shot at the LAPD Academy because of all of my NA stuff.  I reached out to all of my LAPD Officers and told them what I have done and they told me to,
LAPD Officer: "Calm down, everything that you're building up in my head is probably insignificant.  You don't have any felonies, misdemeanors, or have done any hard drugs right?"
ME: "No, nothing."
LAPD Officer: "Then relax, just be honest, and let everything play out.  LAPD isn't going to invest 6-8 months investigating your background if they see something glaring that would DEQ you right away."
ME: "But Baba Booey from the Howard Stern Show said..."
LAPD Officer: "Just relax Mitchiner, you are in the system, keep going to CAPS and let everything play out."
ME: "Ok Officer!  Thank you!"

January 14th I go in for my 4 hour background investigation and I'll be hooked up to a polygraph machine and I'll be honest about everything I have ever done.  I haven't done anything illegal as the NA, I haven't hurt anyone ever, except for myself.  I'm the one bleeding on youtube, I'm the one getting spit on in Times Square, I'm the one being made fun of, I'm the one hustling my books (not drugs!) on the streets and I like girls (a lot!).  No crime in any of that.
I don't regret anything I've done as the NA trying to make a name for myself to land a book deal.  The only thing I would have regretted was when I was willing to go on the Howard Stern Show and cry my eyes out for True Love to come back to me before she moved on with other men and Father Baba Booey saved me from that and tried to slap some sense back into me, hence, "Father" Baba Booey.
How about this...if I make it through all of the background investigation, pass the physical PAT test, and the board interview, and then cleared through the medical exam and psychological exam...Father Baba Booey will donate $5,000 to whatever program Ray Fusco helps me set up for my kayak voyage to Catalina Island for cancer research?
Father Baba Booey can write it off on his taxes and he looks like a champ donating to cancer research and not such a dick to me always kicking me when I'm down.

This is my one shot in life to turn it all around and change my stars...
What I find so strange is that in the background investigation they will be contacting my biological father, mother, and foster parent, all of which I have no contact with.
I'm closer to Father Baba Booey then I am any of them...if someone can explain how this ever happened I would like to hear it.  This is some mind bending, parallel universe transcending, cosmos altering stuff going on...    

Why is Failure so Easy but living with it so Hard and Success is so Hard but living with it is Easy?

Have you ever tried to do something and failed at it?  Does it eat you up inside?
It does me...I hate failing...it torments me. 
Father Baba Booey doesn't think I'll even get a shot at the LAPD Academy because once they discover the NA I'm done.  So I'm calling all of my LAPD connections and I will plead my case about what I have done as the NA to make a name for myself trying to land a book deal.  I will take it all the way up to Chief Beck if I need to.  I just want the opportunity to try for the LAPD Academy.  That's all I'm asking...
If my biological father could be an officer in the Army and a Green Beret, I don't see why I can't make it as an LAPD Officer.  But maybe I'm delusional like Father Baba Booey said and only my biological father can accomplish great things that I will never be able to?
We are all going to find out...

There is someone that expects...nay, DEMANDS great things from me.  She has invested a lot of her money, mind, body, and soul in me.  She expects me to land a good paying gig with another prospect I have lined up.  And in the mean time I'll be scraping barnacles off of the yachts in Marina del Rey (Like the rich lady that made fun of me kayaking alone at night) and waiting tables until this company comes calling for me after the new year.  LA Love and I are like an old married couple...all we do is basically argue about everything.  I call her a spoiled brat because she gets whatever she wants.  She doesn't have to throw a temper tantrum all she has to do is bat her eye lashes over her big blue eyes and pout her big full natural lips and she can have whatever she wants from any man.  I've been trying not to write about LA Love and I've tried to distance myself from her but whatever, I love this girl.  I love everything about her.

If you come to LA you HAVE to love the Lakers and Dogs.  There is no way around it.  All hot girls here have dogs.  LA Love is no different she has a little dog I call her gremlin.  I don't get how all the hot girls all walk their dogs and pick up their dog's poop.  All these hot girls are dog poop collectors.  LA Love said sometimes its steaming hot.  That is fucking gross!!!  I walk by all these hot girls and I'm dressed in my best preppy banana republic clothes and I'm totally house broken and I'm lucky to get a hot girl's attention.  If I went up to a hot girl and pooped next to her you think she would pick it up?  I bet she wouldn't and she would probably call the police and I'd be in a lot of trouble.  Hot girls picking up dog poop makes no sense to me...

LA Love demands great things from me.  Guess who did a perfect about face?  LA Love, apparently she did ROTC and her brother is a commander in the Air Force.  She made fun of me for fucking up my about face at CAPS.  I'll get it all down, you will see. 

LA Love wants me to not be so narcissistic.  She wants me to raise money for cancer research when I kayak to Catalina Island.  So now I'm contacting Ray Fusco, he is also a cancer survivor, he helped me prepare for when I crossed the Ambrose Shipping Channel. 
LA Love wants me to do more stuff with the homeless.  I don't know what I'm doing?  Many that I'm talking to seem to have mental illness and drug dependency.  But I'm trying to think of something.  Everybody here loves the fucking Lakers...and I know the Lakers are big about reaching out to the community.  Maybe I could get some basic jobs for some of the homeless at the Staple Center?  We could all take the bus together, I could use the job too.

LA Love said I'm not fair with all my double standards with girls and how they have to have a low fuck count and all of that fun stuff.  I told her, "You don't have to worry about it because you are not my girl."  I thought she was going to scratch my face!  LA Love and I are going to send Father Baba Booey a present.  He will love it.  It is meant for Father Baba Booey's troll suckling eye balls only but I will share it with the World.  It is very LA, very wonderfully narcissistic, very fucking awesome!

This is just great...I'm going to have to go from a narcissistic asshole to a goody two shoes.  "Be careful what you wish for."
Watch:
I make it to LAPD Academy.
I land a book deal.
I help the homeless work at the Staples Center.
I raise money for cancer research on my kayak.
I get to talk to kids in Foster Care about turning to sports and writing as a positive outlet.
I get back in the cage and win my MMA Fight.
I get LA Love a huge diamond ring and...she pawns it and takes the money to go away with Chase.

Father Baba Booey, Jason Ellis, and all my haters want me to fail at everything I do.  If I had died crossing the Ambrose Shipping Channel, Father Baba Booey would have let out a troll squeal of delight.  But I didn't die.  I beat the barge that almost ran me over and I will be proud of that accomplishment until the day I do die.

Father Baba Booey, Jason Ellis and all my haters were delighted that I got cancer.  Father Baba Booey would have let out a troll squeal of delight if I had died.  You know how disappointed he is that I still have two arms, two legs, and two nuts?
I beat cancer ladies and gentlemen and I'm going to use these arms and legs that I still have to do a lot of good with them...

I'm sort of understanding the path that I'm headed on.  Nothing went how I planned it but it's kind of making sense to me now.  Yes, everything seems clear to me now...everything makes sense to me except for one thing...why do hot girls happily pick up warm dog poop?

Do NOT be Private Pyle! Maybe I'm more Private Joker? We r going to find out...

Do not be Private Pyle ladies and gentlemen.  Do not be Private Pyle...
If you have served in the military you will fit right in with LAPD.  I never served so it takes a little adjusting for me...

The physical stuff I love...the "Sir Yes Sir" stuff takes getting use to.
We were doing all the physical stuff and we went inside and started working out on the mats.  We started doing some cardio similar to what I do in MMA training. crab walks, sprawls, etc.  I automatically start shadow boxing between work outs to stay warm.  Not thinking about it, just muscle memory.  All of the sudden...
LAPD Instructor: "Are you crazy Mitchiner?"
Me: "What?"
LAPD Instructor: "Mitchiner ARE YOU CRAZY?!"
Me: "I was just trying to stay warm between work outs."
LAPD Instructor: "We aren't pushing you hard enough Mitchiner?  Is that what you are saying?  You just wasted one minute of the class's time Mitchiner!"
Well they pushed me ladies and gentlemen, I almost puked...so close.
I didn't do an about face correctly and the instructor grabbed my gashed ankle (nobody knows I have this gash but us). and twisted my ankle to the correct position.
Did I want to cry out in pain?  Sure.  Did I?  No flipping way.
You better believe I will do an about face correctly from now on.

Do not do ANYTHING ever to stand out ever when you are in CAPS.  You want to blend in with everyone. 
LAPD Academy is even worse.  It is hardcore military.  If you fuck up in the LAPD Academy they will be on you like a back pack.  LAPD Academy is 6 months of hell.  Regular boot camp in the military is 2 and half months and I heard Air Force is the easiest.  6 months is a long time...

Father Baba Booey...God how he loves to rip me all the time. 
He says I have no chance at making it to LAPD Academy...once they look me up online I'm done.
I'm a LAPD Candidate right now and I'm less then nothing...I'd say nothing is more then me right now, nothing is at least a seven letter word, I'm a four letter word right now.  IF some how, some way I do make it to the LAPD Academy then I will be nothing, which is at least something, because being a Candidate sucks.  I don't know if I will make it to LAPD Academy and make it out as an officer.  Out of a 100 people only 4 will graduate. 

Father Baba Booey rips me for being narcissistic, which I am.  No denying it but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be the fire that leads to my success.  After CAPS training all candidates have to turn their sweat shirts inside out so their name isn't showing because you are less then nothing.  So much pschology goes on through the training process...

Father Baba Booey rips me for being a bad dad when I'm down and out...he loves that.  What about when I was making over $100k and taking my son to the Turks and Caicos when I was making some money at Rewards Network and able to take him to NYC and buy him whatever he wanted?  When I have some money in my pocket Father Baba Booey then you can judge my dad skills.  When I'm broke I'm just surviving and that is when you love to strike.

I know your style Father Baba Booey, you are just like all the fishermen at the Ambrose Shipping Channel that gathered to watch me die, the moment I made it past the barge they all left.  Every time I fail you do a happy little troll dance.  That is your thing, you love my failures, it delights the wonderfuly evil Father Baba Booey the suckling troll.

LA Love, I never had her in the first place, her heart was always with another man.  All three girls I loved all ended up being with and loving other men over me.  You are right, I don't know what to say about that...just sucks, nothing I can do about it, oh well.  When I'm training CAPS at LAPD I do get pleasure seeing the females run by me with their name across their chest bouncing up and down and I imagine all of them with my last name tattooed across their chest's bouncing up and down...that makes me smile every time I'm at CAPS.  But that is our secret, don't tell anyone that, because I'm just blending in from now on.  I'll go from Private Pyle to Private Joker.

No body cares about my kayaking Father Baba Booey?  Who cares?  I don't care if anyone pays attention to me or not.  I love kayaking at night and think its pretty interesting that my cancer gets sparked from the sun and it's my own personal, "FUCK YOU" to cancer.  If you don't get that...I can't help you there.  I would like to raise money for it but don't know how.  I've been told not to mention the American Cancer Society in anything unless I'm affiliated with them. 
I would love to raise money for cancer and kids in Foster Care. 

Writing my books?  Did you even write your own book Father Baba Booey or a ghost writer do it for you?  How'd you even get a book deal Father Baba Booey? Because you have been a writer your whole life or because you are a suckling troll on Howard Stern?  LA Love told me your book sucked too.  You can't even make a book that someone else writes for you good.  You Father Baba Booey, Snookie, and Kim Kardashian need to stop hawking your stupid lame books...
You Father Baba Booey, are delusional ever putting your stupid name on a book.  You have no business EVER pretending to be an author.

Me delusional?  I don't know what to tell you there...I write books and always will.  Will I get a book deal?  I don't know but I'll always write books.  Will I make it to the LAPD Academy?  I don't know but I'm a Candidate right now and I'm going to CAPS and preparing myself.  Will I land another job in ad sales as an account executive?  Probably, I have some prospects that look promising.  Will I kayak to Catalina Island in my little 10ft kayak?  You bet and I'll be just as proud of making it to Catalina Island as I am crossing the Ambrose Shipping Channel.  I'll be just as proud as I am getting into the Octagon to fight MMA with zero prior experience in combat before starting MMA.   I'll be just as proud as I am writing five books and working on more to come. 

Maybe I'll never make it to LAPD Academy, maybe I'll never get a book deal, maybe I'll never have a girl that I love ever truly love me.  Father Baba Booey wants me to fail so he can do his happy little Troll Dance. 

Chance of FAILURE is 99.9% but I'm going for it no matter the odds.
All or nothing.
I'm use to nothing...

Class started yesterday, check your EGO at the door, welcome to the #LAPD. Bye Mahoney, hello PacMan.

Have you ever been in the military?  I haven't.  Some could call me some what of a free spirited individual.  I love all races, religion, and sexes.  I don't care if someone is gay, lesbian, or heterosexual, I just want people to be happy.  I'm heterosexual and I'm heart broken from 3 girls...many times I wish I were gay because life would be so much easier for me...but I fucking love the ladies...but I'm changing things on them in a bit (more to come).  I hate people forcing their religion on others and certainly people killing each over their "God" makes me sick.  News flash!  There is no "God".  All B.S...but if it makes you feel better fine. 

Anyway, I went to the LAPD Police station in downtown LA for Candidate Oral Preparation Presentation Class and I found out right away that once you pass the written exam you are 100% in the system as a LAPD Candidate.  I thought once I passed the Background Investigation then I would start to take things more seriously.  I had grown a sweet Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean, facial hair (I can't grow a real Go-T, I can't connect top to the bottom).  I like that look on me sometimes when I get sick of looking at my own face everyday.  I also wore a nice white butterfly collar shirt that I had unbuttoned to let the ladies know I'm a healthy young man. 
The presentation begins with a room full of 100+ candidates...
Officer looks at me while at the podium.
Officer: "Excuse me candidate, what is your name?"
Me: "Jason Mitchiner."
Officer: "Well Candidate Mitchiner, unless you are Brad Pitt and you are here to research a role or you are already a Detective you are not to have facial hair."
I thought in my head, well I am an author and well everything that I'm going through I will write about so...I guess technically this is research for me.  But I better not discuss this right now in front of everybody.
Me: "Umm...ok."
Officer looks at the Candidate sitting next to me.
Officer: "Excuse me Candidate next to Candidate Mitchiner can you stand up for us?"
Candidate stands up.
Officer: "Do you see this Candidate?  Please spin all the way around for us Candidate."
The Candidate does a 360 for everyone to see him in the auditorium.
Officer: "This is how you need to dress every time you step through the doors of the LAPD like this Candidate in a suit and tie.  Every time you come for an interview, every time you come for your background investigation, every time you come in for testing, every time.  Is that understood Candidates?"
Candidates: "SIR YES SIR!"
Me: "Yes...sir..good knight sir"
Officer: "Do I have any Devil Dogs in here?"
Candidates: "Arr!  Arr!  Arr!"
I turn to the Candidate with the suit on, military hair cut, and no facial hair.
Me: "What's a Devil Dog?  Something you eat?"
Candidate: "A Marine.  You never served?"
Me: "Not in the military but I've served a lot of ladies does that count?"
Candidate looks at me confused...

Wow...this is going to be an adventure.  I wanted to join the Navy to try for Navy SEALS and wasn't given that opportunity.  If LAPD gives me the opportunity to go through the World Famous LAPD Police Academy...I'm giving this 100% of me. 

Ladies and Gentlemen I'm in competition with all 20 yrlds at becoming LAPD.  I'd say the average age at the presentation was 22yrsld and I'm 36.  I'd say 99.9% of them are from the military.  Anyone that is a Candidate from the military automatically gets 5 points added to their candidacy.  I crushed the written exam, I out wrote all of the other candidates but because I don't have military experience they have all caught up to me.  If it comes down between a 22yrld that has served and a 36yrld that hasn't guess who is getting picked?  You got it...

So ladies and gentlemen this is the plan...when I train for an MMA fight I train 7 days a week for a fight.  Everything I do right now matters.  They have CAPS training that is mandatory, how often you go is up to you, but it reflects on your character.  I'm going 6 days a week, they don't offer it on Sunday.  I'll go on as many ride along as I can in downtown LA where all the action is. 
I will out push up, pull up, and run faster then my competition.  LAPD wants to see heart...well, "Sir Yes Sir" might not roll off my tongue right away...but I will show them heart and determination.
I can't promise you what my background investigation will show and if I will pass to the LAPD standards...but when I show up for my Background Investigation, I will be in my best suit and I will have full book of killing it in CAPS training. 

LAPD cares so much of how you look in Navy Blue and White colores.  They do not want the old stereo types of "Cops and Donuts".  They love that I fight MMA.  They have a boxing team that I will join and I want to start an LAPD MMA Fighting Team.  I want to train with IDF Commandos too.  If LAPD wants a fighter they've got one but I don't want to be a "Dick Cop" either that is power hungry with that sense of entitlement.

I want this more then anything I've ever wanted in my life.  I land this, LAPD pays for all my college, I'm 15 credits from my A.A. and I already looked into it and I can easily get it from taking some writing classes that we all know I'll fucking kill.  Then on to my B.A. and on to many more books and sooooo much more...

I dated a lot of girls in NYC and Hoboken when I was barely making $50,000 a year with Gannett and they gave me so much shit about it.  I have to buy all dinners, drinks, etc., while I'm wining and dining them to get in to their pants.  Guess how much I'll be making first year as LAPD?  Same amount and if any girl has a problem with how much money I make...I don't care anymore.  That's not my problem it's yours.  I'm done trying to win all of these beautiful girls over and competing with, Chase, Charles, Dylan, Trevor, etc., that make 6 times what I make and are better looking.  I don't care anymore. 

All I care about is my quest, I want to make it to the LAPD Academy and do all that I can with the homeless and kayak to Catalina Island at night for cancer awareness and for kids in Foster Care and raise money for both and write a shit load of books and get my degree in all writing and literature and fight a whole bunch of dudes (apparently there is a big rivalry between LAPD and LASD) and if I'm lucky enough to get selected to SWAT or SIS or other Spec Ops I'll take it...

I'm gonna kill my biological daddy with all that I will accomplish and then get my son.  Having my father not in my life that cycle will not be repeated...just watch.

I did notice something at the LAPD Oral Presentation...not only was the average age of the male candidates in their early 20s but so were the female candidates.  There is something in the water in LA.  Do not go surfing if you have stitches in your back or an open wound because the water may kill you, however, this same water has to do something to the girls in LA, I'm convinced of it.  The girls are all around 6' tall and beautiful.  The girl candidates for the LAPD were beautiful!

I tried to go Navy SEALS but they wouldn't take me...If LAPD will and I'm forced to train with beautiful, young, energetic, women with the same cause as me in the Academy for 6 months so be it. 
I will not complain...I'm just here to Protect and Serve.

If I don't pass the Background Investigation I'm going to cry.  I'll be in the sickest shape of my life and surrounded by all hardcore officers and I'll just sit there and cry...that's how bad I want this.

Farewell IDF, Hello LAPD, maybe S.I.S.S.? Can I become a Game Changer?

I met with "Frosty" head of security for the band Cold Play and Depeche Mode and many others and he told me to get started in the business anywhere but the place I want to end up.  The end all be all for security for all the Hollywood Stars and Celebrities in that tight knit circle is called S.I.S.S.  "Frosty" gave me their contact info and well...this is what happened, turns out S.I.S.S. is run by IDF Commandos.
ME:

"Hello,
I was recommended by "Frosty" who is in charge of security for the band Cold Play to contact you for any possible positions available with S.I.S.S.
My background is ad sales for large media companies but I also fight Mixed Martial Arts in Asylum Fight League.
I'm currently going through LAPD Selection Process and I'm looking at how I can volunteer for Mahal-IDF as a non-Israeli but it seems I've missed the age cut off http://www.mahal-idf-volunteers.org/about/Jewish-volunteer-over-age-limit.htm.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jason William Mitchiner"

S.I.S.S.:

"Mr. Mitchiner,

Your employment inquiry and resume have been forwarded to me for processing. At this time, we do not have a position available that matches your skill set and credentials. We will keep your resume on file and should such a position come available we will contact you.

Sincerely,

"Q"

"Q"

Vice President-Human Resources and General Counsel

Screen International Security Services, Ltd.

Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Phone: XXX

Cell: XXX

Website: www.

Email: "Q"

New York, New York 10013

Phone: XXX

Buckingham House,

Gerrards Cross, Buckinghamshire

United Kingdom"

 

"Frosty" gave me his cell phone and told me to contact him after I got in touch with S.I.S.S. and let him know what happened.  I did and "Frosty" told me to stay in touch with him through the LAPD screening and let him know if I make it.  You think I will?  You bet.

 

So I am 100% in the LAPD screening ladies and gentlemen.  I was DEQ'd from San Jose Police because I filed bankruptcy a year and half ago but the back ground investigator said that the rest of me seems to be ok and told me that it's just their department that has an automatic DQ for under 3 years of bankruptcy and other departments don't have that like LAPD.  LAPD are telling me they will take it as a case by case study. 

 

I've been assigned an officer mentor that I've spoken to and I'm scheduled for ride alongs through out LA.  I'm also going to CAP training starting this Saturday for preparation for the PAT physical exam.  And I'm going to Oral Preparation class tonight to get prepared for the Department Interview.  I'm going to give this 100% to make it.  If LAPD will work with me through my finances and I make it through the background check and polygraph test I will do everything in my power to pass the rest.  LAPD will see everyting about me in every way.  They will see that I worked as a dishwasher at Denny's when I was 16 to my meteroic rise in ad sales from $70,000, $80,000, $90,000, $100,000, to$120,000 a year.  Then they will see me flounder about and go to $50,000 a year with Gannett where I was bored and not happy  while I was dating beautiful, hot, Ukranian Russian Mob Nurses that wanted me to buy them white Mercedes and beach houses in Brooklyn that I couldn't afford.  

 

LAPD does not want cowboys.  They don't want a gung-ho, power tripping dude.  Who does?  I don't want that ever.  If a dude comes after me too aggressively I'm going to react no matter who they are.  They want someone that will defuse a situation rather then escalate it but at the same time control the situation.  But the LAPD also doesn't want me bored and taking all of the training and resources they put into me and I take it all and leave after the academy or making it to SWAT a few years in and bouncing to the private sector where I could make A LOT of money.  They also don't want me unhappy with my pay and then a position for ad sales opens up at Bloomberg for $200,000 a year not even including commission at their San Francisco location or Bloomberg opens one up in LA and I leave. 

 

There is money to be made LAPD six figures once I hit detective and I can always do private security on the side.  I'm going in to LAPD 100% and that is my plan.  If I make it, it will be one of the greatest achievements of my life...

 

When I was going into Bloomberg in NYC for interviews I always enjoyed a segment  they aired called, Game Changers.  People that flipped it in their industry in some way or another and made a difference. 

 

I still meet with LA Love and we discuss life together.  I could blow up my blog with pictures of us and write about her but I'm trying not to...I've never told a hot girl, "No" before and hot successful girls are not use to ever hearing "No" and I'm guessing "It will pay off in the end." - that is a quote from, Cable Guy, a Ben Stiller movie that I got the idea to use that on LA Love and we will see if it truly does, "Pay off in the end."

LA Love expects great things out of me, she isn't quite sure what, but she expects me to do something great and when I have big interviews she is right there to make sure my shirt is freshly pressed at the cleaners and I go through my presentations with her. 

 

LA Love is a huge Howard Stern fan and she has brought up this word with me that I'm narcissistic, Father Baba Booey has brought that up as well, and True Love use to also call me that.

My argument with her and to everyone is that Howard Stern is narcissistic and so is everyone that has made it in the entertainment industry and everyone that is of note through out history. 

Every author you read is narcissistic believing what they are writing will entertain you.  Every fighter that enters the cage is narcissistic spending months and years training for their shot in the spot light for their own personal glory. 

 

If you make it in life with your dreams in the entertainment industry you are no longer viewed as a narcissistic ego maniac you are viewed as a driven individual that is more driven then everyone else around you in order to make it.

If you don't make it in life with your dreams in the entertainment industry then you are viewed as a narcissistic ego maniac LOSER.  That is how you will be remembered. 

That is the risk you take following your dreams...are you willing to take those risks?  I am. 

 

But also with success comes your ability to do good if you choose too...

Since coming to Venice Beach, I've seen so many homeless people around me and I keep trying to figure out what I can do to change the situation?

I see many of the same homeless people in the same spot day after day begging for money that they get from some of the wealthy individuals and it's a never ending cycle...

I was flat broke this past Thanksgiving Day and I saw a homeless guy with a sign reading "Dreaming of a Cheeseburger."  I was too but I would rather starve to death then beg for money for food.  I bought a can of $.99 anchovies and that was my Thanksgiving Day meal for 2012 and will be every Thanksgiving Day for the rest of my life to remember that moment in my life. 

 

I'm not in that same situation anymore and I'm confident my situation will continue to improve. 

So what do I do with the homeless in Venice Beach?  How do I make a change?  I don't know exactly how yet but expect some far different Youtube clips from anything you've seen before of the narcissistic Naked Author-Jason William Mitchiner and just promoting my books and putting all of the attention on me.  Don't get me wrong I still have an ego and I still like all the attention on me but lets see what I can do...

 

Ray Fusco was instrumental in helping me plan to kayak across the Ambrose Shipping Channel.  Without his help I would not have made it and even with his help I almost didn't make it.  There is a gentlemen helping me with my voyage across the Pacific Ocean to Catalina Island on my little 10ft kayak.  If you know my story, you know I don't like Jason Ellis.  He put me live on his show many years ago and I thought he was going to support me as  he was an up and coming radio guy like a Howard Stern as I was an up and coming author.  Instead he raped me live on the air and bullied me and made fun of me.  I do not like men with Australian accents, except for Mark Occhilup, he is a surfing legend and has SUCH a great come back story.  But every other dude with an Australian accent I hate and think it sounds very feminine.  There was a dude with an Australian accent at the bar, Cabo, in Venice Beach a couple of weeks ago that started hitting on a girl next to me and I had to cock block him right away...I react to a dude with an Australian accent very similar to a juice head guido next to me on the Jersey Shore.

 

Anyway, guess what the guy is that is helping me plan to kayak to Catalina Island is?  You guessed it!  Australian and he is the nicest coolest guy in the world!  Jesus Christ man...

I was going to kayak to Catalina Island at night and just use my compass and get a good reading from land and shove off and look for lights on Catalina Island to stay on course.  He told me I have to get a GPS because if the wind blows me a little or there is dense fog or a pitch black night I'll miss Catalina Island completely and be lost at sea.  I nearly missed Sandy Hook, NJ and that was in broad day light!

I'll get this helpful Australian's name and post him.  Also, LA Love told me she liked Jason Ellis when he was on the Howard Stern Show.  WTF seriously?!  True Love got banged by juice heads, rich dudes, and I think even Donavon Frankenreiter got to bang her, she sent me pics of her with him over the summer and boy did she have a glow about her! I got my son's name, Donovan, from him but I like my spelling better, more masculine then Donavon.  And if Jason Ellis bangs LA Love I'm giving up on love completely...I'll join a monastery or something.

 

I think  becoming successful as an author and landing a book deal through the entertainment industry might be easier then being successful in the game of love. 

I'm about to retire from that game...where is that truck driver's doll that I found in the middle of the desert?

 

Why is being Good so Hard and being Bad so Easy? How do I become Jewish?

Well Ladies and Gentlemen I passed the LAPD written test!  I'm so stoked.  The police can DE'q me for bad credit but if I failed based on my writing skills...I would have been seriously dissapointed with myself.  I'm not going to get my hopes up.  There is so much I have to do and my finances suck so...I'll keep you posted.

So, I'm out there kayaking and training to kayak to Catalina Island through the night for cancer awareness and children in Foster Care.  I'm out there kayaking in Marina del Rey on Saturday night headed to the open ocean during the Christmas Boat Parade and everyone was on their yachts and partying.  I was just trying to kayak by everyone and mind my own business and then...
Every Rich Yachtsmen and Rich Yachtswomen began making fun of me!  Of me the the Naked Author-Jason William Mitchiner.  I heard things like... 
Rich Yachters: "Paddle Forest Paddle!"
Rich Yachters: "That is the dimmest little light I have ever seen."
Then a beautiful, tall, rich woman looks down at me from her yacht infront of a huge party of people and shouts...
Rich Yacht Lady: "Well there is someone with no life."
Ho Ho Ho Hold On Now!  I nearly stopped my kayak, boarded her yacht and pushed her off of it into the ocean.
Catalina Island isn't going to come to me.  30miles is 30miles and I have to train to do this.  I have the slowest, stupidest, fattest, heaviest, kayak on planet earth.  There are people that open ocean kayak in Marina del Rey and they have Ferrari kayaks and canoes that are built for speed.  They go by me at 20 knots.  When I kayak in the ocean I feel like I'm kayaking an anchor.  There is nothing fast about my kayak nothing.  But that's why I love it so, that's the romance in it, that's why I must use my kayak, the underdog...there are no women at all out in the open ocean.  Trust me I look every time I'm out there.  There is nothing out in the open ocean but big fish that will happily eat me and my penis.  All the women are out at the bars and partying on their yachts in LA.  But that is the romance in all of this...or the stupidity...guess it's just your point of view.    
After the rich lady yells at me that I'm a LOSER then the Police all circle me and put their spot lights on me and say over their loud speaker.
Police: "Crazy Kayak Guy you have to have lights on in order to be out in the ocean at night."
I point to my little dim light that I have on the end of my kayak and the light on my Iphone but the police said...
Police: "That's not good enough crazy kayak guy.  Now turn around and kayak back where you came from."
Everyone on their yachts in Marina del Rey were laughing at me, I mean everyone!
Then one of the big Christmas Yachts goes by me, the Police Boats and the Yachts and suddenly all of the power goes off on their Yacht because of all their Christmas lights were turned on.
I screamed out at the top of my lungs...
Me: "Haha now you are just like my kayak!  Start paddling!"
Rich Yachters yelled at me: "Boo!  Boo!  Boo!"
True Story...
Rich Yachters can't hurt the Naked Author-Jason William Mitchiner.  I've been spit on standing in the middle of Times Square in my Speedo swallowing my pride trying to promote my books by myself.  I've had drunk guys in NYC try to grab my ass and want to take me home to go "Swimming".  All on youtube. 
You think Rich Yachters can hurt me?  Nothing but cancer and not seeing my son hurts me...oh and three girls I loved that are being fucked by other men.  That one sucks big time...but I try not to think about them.

If I get Deq'd by the LAPD because of my finances there is one last thing I can try to sign up for...
The IDF- Israel Defense Force.  I would have to enlist as a non-jew, in the mahal-idf division. Women get to fight in the IDF too!  I love Jewish Women.  I've dated some and I've dated Muslim Women and they hate each other.  I don't hate either one, I'm just the dick in the middle. 
I've been to a place called, Deal, NJ.  LA has the hottest women on planet earth period.  But the hottest Jewish women are in the Deal, NJ.  They all go for morning walks in their tight black leggings and they all have huge giant natural boobs.  All real, all beautiful, all Jewish. 
I could join IDF, fight along beautiful women against the bad guys that hate Americans, Jews, and women.  Seems perfect to me, Wine, Women, and War.  That makes a good book.

If I can't join LAPD or IDF...then I've got no choice but to be a bad guy.  I'll try to be the best bad guy I can.  Everyone is right kayaking out into the middle of the ocean is stupid.  What's the point in all this?  There is no money to be made, there are no women waiting for me to get to Catalina Island. Forget kayaking to Catalina Island at night for cancer awareness and kids in Foster Care.
I'll kayak to Mexico during the day and fill my kayak with kilos of coke, bang all the young Selma Hayek senoritas and then kayak back to Marina del Rey.  Then I'm making serious money and I'll buy a big yacht and blend in with everyone in Marina del Rey.  Good?
I'll put that on Linkedin:  Jason William Mitchiner- Author/Drug Lord. 
I'll have recommendations from Senor  Sanchez "I would recommend Jason for any large shipments of coke.  He's very reliable."
I'll have awards voted, 'Best Drug Lord 2013!'

I've got to get a job, like right now, doing anything...I met an English Chap, Frosty, the other night at Bin 73 in Venice Beach, and he is security for the band Cold Play.  I asked him how he got into that line of work and he said in England you don't need any certificates or badges like you do in the states.  He started a long time ago just doing simple event stuff...
Hmm...become security for a beautiful hot girl in Hollywood?  I like that, I'll protect her life and she can fall in love with me and be the star in the spotlight.  As long as I can use her to get a book deal I'll be happy and stay in the back ground...
Maybe I could do something at the Staple Center?  Laker games?  Hot girls go to Laker games.
No hot girls go open ocean kayaking with me...

No Turning Back Now...Got to make it...my only path 2 Glory

 

I have a riddle for the World to solve:

1. I write books without a book deal and do not get paid for my writing and I am considered a...FAILURE...IDIOT...LOSER.

2. I write books with a book deal and get paid for my writing and I am considered a...WRITER...AUTHOR...SUCCESS

What is the difference in my writing from 1 to 2?

 

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in our department, however, we regret to inform you that you have been screened out from further consideration as an applicant for the position of Police Recruit. This decision was based on your Personal History Questionnaire (PHQ) results. (Note: Information that we possess from your prior applications and/or background files may have been used for verification/clarification purposes.)

 PLEASE DO NOT REPORT FOR ANY ADDITIONAL TESTING.

 Thank you,

Officer

Background Investigations Unit
San Jose Police Department

 

I called the Backgroud Ivestigations Unit and because I filed bankruptcy a year and half ago I've been deq'd at becoming a police officer...I'm sure I will be deq'd from LAPD as well.  Well ladies and gentlemen I tried my quest to glory through the US Navy to try for SEALs and got rejected because of my cancer and now I've tried to become a police officer and try for SWAT and have been rejected because of my finances.  What does having bad credit have to do with fighting the drug cartel?

Gang Leader: "Hey PIG I was going to shoot you in the face but your credit is more fucked up then mine."

Me: "I know essay but if I shoot you in the face first I'll take all of your drug money and fix my credit real fast."

 

Oh well I tried being a good guy.  Now I can become a bad guy.  How do you apply to the Drug Cartel?  Where do I send my resume?  I wrote about my ancestor Thomas William Mitchiner that my biological father was named after that fought in the Civil War and of course my biological father was an officer in the Army and Special Forces and a chaplain.  But I also have ancestors that went bad.  I have ancestors that took other people's land and hanged the owners.  If you believe in God and all that religious BS.  You could say that my biological father is Good, he served in the military, he has done selfless acts, he believes in God.  I am trying to land a book deal, I am selfish, I don't believe in God, you could say that I am Evil. 

 

I have to kill my biological father.  That's my mission in life to have a bigger greater name then he ever had.  Why not go bad and be the total opposite of him?  Going to prison for being a drug lord is way cooler then for not mowing my lawn.  Hmm...

 

My only path to glory is to continue down the road that I'm on and getting my book deal and don't go bad.  We all know if I ever land the book deal I will need to be restrained from myself to not self destruct...I'll buy a motorcycle and do 200mph right off Venice Pier with an 18yrld girl on the handle bars with our noses powdered white like Christmas if I ever land a book deal. 

 

I went out last night at Bin 73 in Venice Beach and I'm smitten with Anna, the young beautiful Spanish girl bartender there.  In walks this dude, decent looking chap, around my age, not Johnny Depp looks, but decent looking, kind of looks like, well, maybe my twin? 

He starts hitting on Anna and guess what he starts telling her about?  Go ahead...guess!

His book he just finished writing and he's sending out his Query letter to literary agents now.

Haha...I nearly peed myself right there on my bar stool. 

I of course interrupt this mother fucker and start cock blocking him from my Anna.

Me: "You've only written one book?"

Dude: "Yes.  I wrote a book.  I can't believe it.  It was really hard to finish a book."

Me: "Do you know any body in the Literary World in the business?"

Dude: "No, but I have a friend in the entertainment business that is helping me with the re write."

Me: "That's nice, I've a written some books as well."

Gorgeous Anna asks, "Really Jason?  How many books have you written?"

I start counting down on my fingers how many books I've written...

Me: "One, Two, Three, Four, and now Five."

I look down at my hand and I see a fist.  I look at young beautiful gorgeous Anna and think inside of my head what I would like to do to her with this fist.  Then I look over at the dude, my competition and think what I would like to do to him with this fist (the total opposite of what I would do to Anna! I know gay line was just waiting to be inserted there).  But I kept my fist to myself and looked at it and marveled that I have a fist in the literary world.  I have FISTED the Literary World.  The thought of that brings a smile to my face.  I can't wait until I've Double Fisted the Literary World.   

I'm going to get started on my drug smuggling sea captain soon...

 

Father Baba Booey ripped me last night on Twitter cuz I don't have a job right now.  I know his voice so clearly every time he rips me.  Since I've been in LA, I finished my fith book, Boston Wedding and I've been interviewing for as many jobs as I can.  When did writing a book no longer become hard work?  I suppose it comes back to the riddle.  If you get paid to write then you are doing work.  If you don't get paid to write then you are just wasting time.   

I applied here as well with my published articles I did on ezine.com.
Writers are asked to submit a resume and a writing sample. Your writing sample should demonstrate your ability to write concisely and professionally on a topic. Be sure that your resume highlights any certifications you have, and/or any particular areas of expertise - business, technology, nutrition, fitness, etc.
Click here to apply through our online application platform.

 

If I can get a writing gig in LA its not going to pay very well...not like the $100k days I made in ad sales...

I need money to get my son.  I've got to show the courts that I make decent money to take care of my son when he is old enough to choose where he wants to live.

He's got to live in LA.  The girls in LA are sooooooooooo hot.  There's no hot girls in MD.

Imagine his life here in LA?  I could give him the life I never had.

 

Kill my biological father and provide a life for my son that I never had...that is my quest in life.

I'll open ocean kayak distance for cancer awareness and kids in foster care and figure out some way to help with the homeless.  

 

I've just got to make money...I've got to land the book deal...I've got to win this game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Using All Girls to make it; My Salvation

 

Not what you think.  I don't mean sleeping with them all. 

Stephen King said, "Have a designated reader" that reads your book first before you even send it to your editor and literary agent.

My trilogy I never did this because I didn't trust any one's feed back that I knew at the time. 

My fourth book I didn't give to anyone because I only trusted True Love and wasn't talking to her anymore after I was battling myself through the American Recession of '08-'09 when I lost it all and had our fall out Nov. '10. 

This book however, I've given it to a few girls to read first.  Why not?  A 19yrld loved it, a 29yrld thought sex a little too intense, why stop there?  I have a college girl reading it now and the list will continue...

I'm finding the L.A. it is socially acceptable to be a down and out writer/author trying to make it.  I would tell girls that I'm trying to make it as an author on the Jersey Shore and they would look at me like I was a total joke including True Love with her famous words on my dreams of making it as an author, "How'd that work out for you?"  I had that engraved on the back of my NA dog tag that she tore from my neck in our big blow out fight over all then men she wanted to fuck and how she had the best summer of her life with out me in it. 

  

There is a beautiful, young girl that I ran into at Starbucks who gave me the inviting L.A. smile unlike the cold NYC stare I receive from those gorgeous women.  I shared with her my Boston Wedding Query and right away she started to correct my grammar, man did I feel like an idiot!
Anyway, she gave me her feedback and wanted a lot more sex in my query to entice her.  She said, "I'm not a lesbian but when I read it I want to want to fuck that bitch!" 
I assured her in the book she will want to fuck Freda Ward.  Everyone will want to fuck Freda Ward. 
So now I'm sending this beautiful young girl my book for her honest feedback, apparently this is exam week for college students, but I'll have my feed back shortly.
I'm going to take all of these young beautiful women's feed back and try to make Boston Wedding the best I can to a wide audience.  I look at what Hollywood does with their movies, they send them out to 'Test Audiences' for feed back, often changing endings based on audience's reactions.

But I also want it to stay true to my voice.  I look at, Boston Wedding, like a blend of, Broke Back Mountain, meets, 50 Shades.  50 Shades was written by a woman and I believe the short story of, Broke Back Mountain, was also written by a woman.  Those stories were written by woman with a woman's voice.  Why can't a story of lesbian lovers in 1892 be written by a males voice?

If you compare my book to other authors...well don't.  I'll make changes based on all the women's feedback that they give me...but no matter if you love my book or hate it, love my voice and style of writing or despise it and everything about me.
This story that I will give you is my real life True Love story.  I had it once and I'll always think about what my life would have been like if so many things had gone differently between us. 
I think most people in their life have had one person that they truly loved and not many of us had the good fortune to end up with them...
LA Love loved one man so deeply in her life and it's not Chase nor is it me (for now...I swear to God in 3 months she's going to drop the, "I was confused" line on my ass!)

You ever seen the movie, The Artist?  The scene where they dance together for the first time in a movie together and they know right away they are in love with each other.  The scene where she takes his suit jacket and adores the smell of him and longs for his touch.  Those scenes captures love so real of what it's like in real life.  The scene in, Broke Back Mountain, and Enis saved Jack Twist's bloody shirt and pulls it out from time to time to think of his True Love. 

I do that as well, ladies and gentlemen.  I have my own real life scene.  I kept a dress from True Love that I will always remember the shape of her body inside of it.  She wore this dress at my Philly Fight in the Octagon.  I remember looking out at the crowds from inside the cage and seeing her in the stands wearing this dress. I will always remember the scent of her body that use to occupy her dress.  I have a pair of shoes she wore around my house in the winter to keep warm and then my son, Donovan would put them on when she wasn't there and say how much he loved, "(her real name)'s warm fluffy shoes."
I will never be with True Love, there is too much damage that has been done between the two of us.  I will probably end up with a nice young girl and we will do our best to pretend with one another through the game of life...
When I die I would like to be cremated with True Love's dress and shoes with me.  Just don't put me in her dress and shoes or people will always ask, "Was he a cross dresser? A tranny?  I bet he was gay!"
I wonder if she will be buried with my shoes and NA dog tag?  Probably not my shoes but my NA dog tag?  That would show some symbolism from her.  Nah, she probably threw them out like she did all my pictures and our stuff together when we tried to get back together 1.5 years later.  That Sucked!  She made it seem as if I never existed...maybe I never really did to her?

Well ladies and gentlemen...I have a new book coming out, Boston Wedding, and if you hate my voice and writing style, if you hate everything about me.  At least you can take comfort knowing the love story that fills the pages between Alice Mitchell and Freda Ward is my love story.  It's all the feelings I had for one girl once in my life and now how it has all died...

Forward

To my True Love,

I fell in love with you when we were 19 and you left me for other boys in the bars when you turned 21.  You left me for the desire, touch, and affection of other men you wanted and you always got what you wanted.  I lost it all Nov ’10 including you.  As soon as I climbed out of my dark abyss I begged for you back before you left me for the desire, touch, and affection of other men you wanted and you got what you wanted.  I would have killed for you if you had asked me to. I would have killed myself if you were taken from me.  I never would have thought the person that would ultimately end us would be you.  You wanted to be fucked by other men when I was crying for you back for a year and a half apart.  When I had cancer surgery and was fighting for my life Aug ’11 you told me you would be by my side and to shave my face.  There I was at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital with a cleanly shaven face and no one by my side.

True Love you have killed all of my love for you as if you had come behind my back with a straight razor and slashed my throat from ear to ear just to watch me bleed with that beautiful smile of yours as the last beat of my broken heart bleed out until I cease to be. 

You always got what you wanted True Love.  Congratulations you did it and you got it.  You killed me.  Goodbye…

What should my next gig be in L.A.?  If I get Deq'd LAPD, I could always be some agent's personal assistant in Hollywood.  But how long would that last with my ego and pride?
It sucks having pride and an ego when you are still a nobody trying to make it...

I've got to figure out how to get to my son this holiday...money is tight...can I hitch hike?  Is hitch hiking legal anymore?  Watch I pass everything for LAPD but then holiday hitch hiking comes up and I get Deq'd. 

Hemingway had Paris...I'll take L.A.

Boston Wedding

Query Letter

 

Alice Mitchell discovers as a girl she is drawn closer to the comfort and affection of other girls her own age rather then boys.  When beautiful young Miss Freda Ward moves near by Alice Mitchell’s family estate in Memphis, Tennessee in 1890, Alice Mitchell can’t help but to fall in love with her.  Freda Ward returns Alice’s affection and they become closer then friends and deeper then lovers.  What they shared together was so powerful that even God began to sin with envy.  Alice and Freda make a pact to be together for all of eternity and if they can not be joined together they vow death for one another.  Alice Mitchell and Freda Ward make a plan to flee Memphis together, become married and live in Boston where they believe their existence together will be accepted.  Alice gives Freda and engagement ring and has it engraved, “A For F Forever.”  Alice Mitchell would dress as a man and become known as Alvin J. Ward the husband, while Freda would be known as Mrs. A.J. Ward the wife. Freda Ward’s beauty was unmatched by the likes of any Memphis, Tennessee had ever had the grace of walking down its enchanted southern cobble stone streets.  Soon all of the young men of wealth and prestige pursue Freda Ward’s hand to become her sootier.  Freda Ward wants to stay faithful to her love Alice Mitchell but the growing resistance by her family and the never ending pressure by the men of Memphis become overwhelming for Freda Ward.  Some of the young men take harsh action against Alice Mitchell because of her unusual behavior and relationship with Freda. On the day of Alice and Freda’s planned escape their plot is discovered by Freda’s family and she is forbidden to ever contact Alice Mitchell again.  The Ward family moves to a far off town to further hamper the two from any further contact with one another.  But on one last return visit by Freda and her older sister Josie to pick up some things from their old estate in Memphis, Alice Mitchell gets word of Freda’s arrival.  Nothing could stop Alice Mitchell from seeing the love of her life Freda Ward on January 25^th, 1892, even the devil himself coward in fear of Alice Mitchell at that moment on that day.  Alice Mitchell found Freda Ward on the streets of Memphis and reminded her of their vow of True Love they made for one another as she pulls her father’s straight razor out of her dress…”A For F Forever.”    

Do you think I'm proud of this book?  Do I believe it can entertain you?

Yes.

Will I be given the opportunity to do so...?

 

I've had three girls read this book, at least half of it while I was writing it.  One was a 19yrld girl that reads all the Twilight Series and loved my book, the other was LA Love who thought the masturbating of Alice Mitchell was pretty intense, maybe too intense for her taste.  And a third girl is reading it now in it's entirety that reads all Nicolas Spark's books so we shall see how I compare.

 

I'm at a weird cross roads in my life ladies and gentlemen...very strange spot indeed.

What do I do with myself?

I did not get the gig with Churm Media when it seemed like a done deal.  LA Love asked me, "Do you think they looked you up online and all the NA stuff turned them off?"

Probably ladies and gentlemen probably...

What will LAPD say about all of my NA stuff?

They are going to do the most intense background check ever...

I don't do anything illegal, little outragous at times, but nothing illegal.

I have no felonies, misdemeanors, or DUIs.  I had a little run in with the law in NV nothing serious and when I went to get my driver's license in CA I couldn't get it because it came up.  I contacted NV and I still had to pay them $133.  That was it.  Now I have my CA driver and motorcycle license and I have a totally clean record with nothing on it at all.  I have a very real shot at making it LAPD.  But what will they say about all I've done as the NA as Bloomberg, Churm and other companies have?  If I get hired LAPD I'm now representing them and they care VERY MUCH about their image...

I'm sure all of my tweeting, blogging, and instagraming will change completely...

 

I was with LA Love and she asked me would I take it all down?  I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there with LAPD.  I just look at it as all my hard work.  Nothing I've done as the NA is easy, it's all hard, and sucked in one way or another.  If I wasn't in physical pain I was in internal pain swallowing my pride. 

 

Or...writers make a lot of money in LA if you make it.  I could just be that annoying waiter that's, writing books, sending out query letters, and doing the 'Hollywood Hustle' trying to solicite my work to anyone in the the biz.  Half the girls I've been with in LA all have cards with their head shots, their website, facebook fan club page, etc.  Everyone is basically doing what I'm doing out here, some of the girls I've been with even have book deals BEFORE they even write one page of their book or should I say, have their ghost writer do it for them.  Hollywood is all about, "Who you know, Who you blow, and Where you go." You can lift that from me if you want.  And everyone steals material from everyone else.  I've seen my stuff on my blog lifted in the entertainment world.  Just how it goes...

Not about talent, you've got to have the connections.

You blow the right people and doors will open.  I'm trying to sleep with as many girls as I can until I make it...Sometimes I take long showers by myself crying while trying to get myself clean but I never really do...not on the inside. 

Go to all the right spot and parties that the people in the biz are at and network.  Be seen.  Be noticed. Be known. 

I could pick any good restaurant to be a waiter at on La Cienega that all the celebs go to.

Me: "Excuse me, Mr. Scorcese?"

Martin Scorcese: "Yes?"

Me: "Would you like more water?"

Martin Scorcese: "Sure."

Me: "Ok, by the way have you ever thought of doing a western gold rush era, civil war, love story movie?  Kind of, Legends of The Fall, meets, Gangs of New York?"

Martin Scorcese: "I'm sorry I have to take this call."

Me: "But your phone didn't even ring."

Scorcese picks up his phone and pretends to be talking to his friend Steven Spielberg. 

 

I go to another table.

Me: "Excuse me Leonardo DiCaprio?"

Leo: "Yes?"

Me: "How was your steak?"

Leo: "It was excellent.  That's why I always come back here.  Please let your chef know."

Me: "Oh I will Leo.  By the way have you ever thought of starring in a Revolutionary War piece?  Kind of a gritty piece with American Colonials inventing Special Forces type fighting in the swamps of South Carolina with a love story."

Leonardo DiCaprio just stares at me as if I had never spoken at all.  I continue speaking to break the uncomfortable silence.

Me: "You know kinda gritty piece like you did with Martin Scorcese in, Gangs of New York.  I was just talking to Scorcese about it at the other table and he really liked it."

Leonardo DiCaprio stands up and puts his napkin on his plate and speaks.

Leo: "That reminds me, will you excuse me I need to go speak to Martin about another project we are working on together."

Me: "Sure Leo.  Don't forget to talk with Mr. Scorcese about my project.  You'd be great in it!"

I say softly as Leonardo DiCaprio walks away.

Me: "Like you were in, Aviator, Catch Me If You Can, Departed...everything you are in Leo."

 

I turn to another table where Brad Pitt is sitting. 

Me: "Pitty baby!  You ever thought of starring in a movie about the life of Captain Kidd the pirate with a love story thrown in?  Think, Fight Club, with pirates."

 

What to do?  Can I make it in LA as a real writer/author?  Wait tables and 'Hollywood Hustle'? 

LAPD and not really write much of anything except tons of books inspired by true events all around me in LA.  I'm telling people that I'm trying for LAPD and everyone is telling me about stuff all around Marina del Rey. LA Sheriff just got busted banging underage girls here.  That means there is an opening now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wphPYv1xb_w some people abuse their power...

A lady just died free diving alone in Marina del Rey http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-rpv-free-diver-missing,0,7574995.story and an 800 lb Mako Shark was just caught off Marina del Rey this summer. http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/07/800-pound-shark-creates-buzz-at-marina-del-rey-landing.html

This is all just around Marina del Rey.  That's a lot of material I could put in books. 

The giant shark one I just hope isn't the end of my story.

Big creatures bump my little kayak.

 

Will I go LAPD or be the annoying waiter doing the 'Hollywood Hustle'?

No matter what I do, I'm not going to write about or post any more girls on my blog and stuff.

I get so mad at the system that when I have money I have women and when I'm broke I don't. 

I like to abuse the system when I have money and break as many hearts as I can and write about it all.  Not this time.  As I get back to my feet now, I'm not going to blog about all these girls.  Now whatever girl I write about it will be a privilege to be written about on my blog or seen with me. 

I told LA Love that she had a choice in life and she picked Chase over me and she will have to live with it forever.  No going back to me 3 months down the road saying, "I was confused."

Every hot, beautiful, successful woman always uses that line, "I'm confused."

I have never been with a hot girl that wanted me and told her, "I'm confused."

There is no confusion with me.

That's the difference between me and hot women is they are being pursued all the time by men everywhere, like me, so they are always in a state of confusion.

I'm not pursued by any women, hence my state of no confusion, I just take what I can get, when I'm lucky enough to get it.

I told LA Love she made her choice and she now has to live with it.

You should have seen her face.  I wish you were there.  I've never told a hot, beautiful, successful girl that ever.  I tried telling True Love that and we all know how well I did against her magical pussy powers over me.  I kicked all other girls to the curb as soon as she wanted me back. 

No more.  And no girl gets written about anymore.  Not True Love, New Love, or LA Love.  Only girl I'll ever write about and seen with me will be a privileged one.   

 

You ever feel like you dodged a bullet?  LA Love is not my problem anymore.  I don't have to fight over her or deal with all of her crazy problems with all these other dudes after her.  I don't have to sweat a ring nothing.

 

I come and go when I please. I do whatever I want.  It's really not such a bad life. 

When I get my next gig I want to buy a cheap, old, Triumph bike and ride it around Marina de Rey and PCH.  Go check the surf on it.  I would like to drive it cross country to see my son...I guess I need to get a bike first...LA Love told me to get a bicycle because I'll die on a motorcycle. 

If a shark eats me I'll be dead.

If I get lost at sea I'll be dead.

If cancer gets in my blood I'll be dead.

If I get run over by a ship I'll be dead.

If I get shot in the face LAPD I'll be dead.

Just seems like something to add to 'All the ways I will die' list.

 

You would think if I go LAPD some super hot chic should want to pretend to love me right?  I mean I die on the force and she will collect big time.  And if some how I don't get blown away by the drug cartel she could always switch out my sunscreen with tanning oil.

I get the LAPD gig and some super hot LA Woman gets hitched with me...I might get a little suspicious...

Me: "Honey, how come we are always going to Hawaii on our vacations?  You know I can't really be out in the sun."

Hot Honey Bunny: "I know dear but I love it there. And you know all the things I like to do for you in bed while we are there don't you?"

Me: "Yes, Honey.  I wish you would do those things when we aren't just in Hawaii though.  What about Europe?  I always wanted to go to Spain."

Hot Honey Bunny: "Europe?  You don't want to be around stinky mean Europeans when you can be in clean beautiful Hawaii with me.  You can't even speak European."

Me: "But I think in Spain they speak a type of Spanish and I know a little and I really would like to go to the spots Hemingway went to."

Hot Honey Bunny: "Dear that is cute how you want to do all of that but Hemingway was a real author you are not.  Now lets not talk about stinky mean Europe again or I won't even do the usual stuff I do for you in the bedroom."

Me: "Yes, Honey."